When last we left our intrepid reviewer, he was pointing out how stupid the Naval officers in the service of the Republic are, and now please move directly to the edge of your seat for this weeks exciting installment!

Back in the conference room, those Jedi have sprung into action, standing up abruptly and drawing their lightsabres. At this point the room starts filling with what is presumably poison gas. Qui-Gon identifies the gas as “Dioxygen” to my ears, and the ears of several I have asked. Sadly, Dioxygen, is exactly the same as oxygen, so this makes little sense. The subtitles on the DVD claim he is saying “Dioxis” which still doesn’t tell us a whole bunch. So, a bunch of droids show up outside the sealed conference room doors, all carrying guns, all looking generally more advanced than any of the droids seen in the OT (hooray for continuity). A hologram of the head Neimoidian appears to tell the droids that the Jedi must be dead, and to go in and destroy what’s left. Apparently, the control ship is not equipped with any kind of internal sensors, or else he would have known the Jedi were still alive. Oh well, add a couple of battle droids to the scrap heap I guess.

The battle droids of the film seem to have been given excessive personality, considering their function. Not a good personality either, but a really stupid one. These aren’t droids built to interact with people. They don’t require human like personalities or idiosyncrasies, they’re soldiers. They should be cold and efficient. Later in the film we learn that they’re all controlled by the control ship, and that without it they all shut down. So why do they have to talk to each other at all? Why does the leader have to address one of the squad as corporal and order him to investigate the room? Why, when the lightsabres ignite visibly in the gas cloud does he then say “uh oh”. Is he worried? Why would a battle droid be capable of that kind of pseudo-emotional response? What purpose could it possibly serve in his functionality as a soldier? Why does he have to give the order to “blast them” when they were all under clear orders to destroy what was left? All these questions and many more to be answered… never.

Needless to say, the Jedi make short work of the battle droids. Back on the bridge, the Neimoidians are getting a little anxious. The Viceroy’s main suck up says “We will not survive this”. Here is yet another instance where the Jedi are painted in a very poor light. The guy thinks the Jedi will kill them? Seriously, is that what we’re supposed to expect from the Jedi? At this point Qui-Gon starts cutting his way through the blast doors to the bridge, and suck up says “They’re still coming through!” Still? When were they coming through before? The conflict ends when some shielded destroyer droids show up and our Jedi head for the hills, displaying a new Jedi power, speed running. Don’t look for it later in the film when it’ll become useful, it is apparently for this scene only. The Jedi then escape into the ventilation shaft. How do we know this? The ships sensors, which were unable to tell the Neimoidians if the Jedi were still alive, are apparently good enough to at least track their progress through the ship. Next time they buy a command ship, they should really splurge and get the full sensor suite instead of just the factory standard.

The Jedi arrive in the hold of the battleship, and what do they find? Battle droids. Just like the ones they just finished slicing to bits, and the ones they passed on their way to the conference room from their ship. However, they seem genuinely surprised to see these particular battle droids. They surmise that this is an invasion army (finally) and decide to stow away on the landing craft so they can warn the Naboo. Up on the Bridge, the Neimoidians are getting a call from Queen Amidala. For some reason, it was decided to alter Natalie Portman’s queen voice, to make it lower. It sounds pretty bad. Having heard the unaltered version of said voice (in the trailer and commercials) I can only shake my head and wonder why they bothered. The dialogue between the queen and the Neimoidians is short and uninspired. All it really does is throw into sharper relief exactly how bad the voice work for the Neimoidians is.

And so we take our leave of the Trade Federation Battle ship. Join us next week for our next exciting episode: Enter the Gungan.

Computer bosses. I just don’t know what to say about that. How will employees function when they can no longer blame their woes on a vindictive manager? Seems to me that’s the glue of the CSR universe, the ability to point at your manager and say “S/He’s an asshole!” But no longer! The computer doesn’t like Johnny better than you, the computer isn’t trying to hit on you, and doesn’t give Jill the best shifts because she has bigger boobs. There’s no more favoritism. Employees will turn on each other. Carnage will ensue. The pillars of society will quake and crumble!

AAAAGGGGHHHHHHHH!

Well, it’s finally happened - a group of teenagers operating a fast food joint have a new boss, and he isn’t made of flesh and blood. The new manager is closer to a mini-boss than a boss.

That’s right, Bob (a little bit of computer software) bleeps and tells you to go on break; flip the burgers; sweep the floor. It even recommends raises to HR for efficiency. He sends e-mails to employees with their new schedules, based on historical restaraunt traffic data. It has essentially erased one of the rungs on the corporate ladder and replaced it with some binary ones and zeros.

Being a geek, I’m incredibly turned on by this new boss (if only it was Bobra instead of Bob). At the same time, I’m nervous. It’s imaginable that many employable positions will be erased in the next 10 years - instead of machines replacing low-run labor, they’re replacing upper management. Heck, even CEOs spend most of their time trying to make educated risk/benefit decisions - why not replace them with computers to eliminate any favoritism?

*shiver*

PS: I can’t wait until the boss calls in ’sick’ due to a ‘virus’. Ha! Ho! Ho.

Every bookstore I’ve been in lately has had a stack of the familiar cover of Douglas Coupland’s latest novel, JPod. I haven’t actually read that book, but I gather that it is about Computer Scientists’ working in Vancouver in our time period. Easily relatable to many people that I know. Plus, Canadian author. Overall, very cool.

So it made sense with the popularity of this author, that someone from my bookclub would choose to read some of his earlier work.Apparently he writes about the same age group in different time periods. Thus, his earlier novel was appropriately titled, Generation X.

Unfortunatley, this book flat out sucked.

Why? How is it that a book of a mere 179 pages (many of which were blank - the rest of which only filled a quarter of the page) take me so long to read?

I had zero empathy for the characters. Reading it was painful. By the end I was actually referring to them as “those whineybitches” and enjoying dreams of smacking the 3 main characters at once, a la the Three Stooges.

Now, I understand that there were definitely some tougher times, especially employment-wise for the Generation Xers. But the characters in this book had travelled the globe; were working jobs in California where they could just take off for a few weeks without giving any sort of notice, and still come back; had pets and friends all in the same apartment complex (complete with pool), which they also worked at, thus saving on rent and providing them with extra room if guests came. And all they did for the entire book was sit around complaining about how other generations had it better (despite wars and depressions, which were never mentioned), and telling each other stories - which would have made better books than this one.

Their attitude came across as extremely spoiled and snobby - especially in one paragraph (which made me have to put the book down for the rest of the day I might add), where they complained about being middle class, because their lives would never be recognized in history, unlike the very rich or very poor.

WELLLLL BOOO FUCKING HOOO!!! SUCK IT UP ALREADY!

Ok. I realize that much of this may have been meant tongue in cheek, and more as a portrait of a generation. The fact was was that they were so obnoxious and the plot so…non-existant…that I couldn’t bring myself to care. Each page was a chore. And a book can only be tongue-in-cheek to a certain extent, when it mentions “fun facts” complete with stats about unemployment/marriage rates and environmental info which seems to side with the generation.

1 million thumbs down.

The whole “Pluto isn’t a planet anymore” thing is really bugging me. But whoever did up this picture sure had a good sense of humor:

Welcome back kids, let’s jump right back into it, it’s time for JEDI!

At this point in the film we are treated to our first dialogue between Jedi. It’s not everything I would have hoped for, but it’s not awful either. The problem here though, is the blatant effort by George to cover his ass on one of the most blatant continuity errors of the film. That being that, according to Obi-Wan in the OT, Yoda was his Jedi Master, not Qui-Gon Jinn. In fact, Obi never makes any mention of Qui-Gon at all in the OT. Yet, here he is, calling Qui-Gon master, and here’s Qui-Gon, referring to Obi as his Padawan. Obi-Wan makes a passing reference to some instruction he received from Master Yoda, which presumably is supposed to tell the audience that Yoda was Obi’s master at some point. To my mind though, it seems pretty weak. This scene also brings up another annoyance, where did the term Padawan come from? In the OT, a Jedi learner is always referred to as an apprentice. Why did George suddenly feel the need to “sci-fi” it up by giving it some bizarre name? George, there’s plenty of bizarre names and alien stuff in the saga without changing the term from apprentice to padawan, you can ease off a bit man.

Next we cut to the bridge, where we get some more sterling dialogue from our Neimoidian pals. Voice acting, delivery, cadence, you name it, it all sucks in this scene. There are even some nasty video zooms added to this footage, I assume for dramatic purposes, but for those who know what it looks like, it’s jarring and unnatural in comparison to the rest of the film work. So, the Neimoidians decide to stall the Jedi with their droid, while they contact “Lord Sidious” for instructions on how to handle the Jedi. Lord Sidious… possibly the worst name ever conceived by George in the entirety of the series, that is, until we get to “Attack of the Clones”. Subtlety is not one of George’s strong suits. Honestly, I would not have been surprised if we had ended up with character names like “Darth Evil” and “Lord Vicious” in episode III, they seem to be about George’s speed.

At this point in the film, I think it’s important to note exactly how the Jedi have been portrayed thus far. They don’t seem so much like negotiators, mediators, or “guardians of peace and justice” as they do the Chancellor’s political thugs and bullies. Qui-Gon talks about the Trade Federation being “cowards” and that, as such, the negotiations will be short. Pardon me? This seems to imply that he intends to threaten them in some manner. Next bit of evidence, a line from one of our Neimoidian pals in the scene I just spoke of: “They’re here to force a settlement!” followed closely by “I’m not going in there with two Jedi! Send the droid.” The Jedi are going to force a settlement? That doesn’t sound very legal to me. He’s afraid to go meet with the Jedi Ambassadors why? Seems to me that, thus far, the Jedi have not been made to look particularly good.

So, the droid brings our Jedi Ambassadors some drinks, and right away Qui-Gon tells us what we already knew “I sense an unusual amount of fear over something as trivial as this trade dispute” I hope you caught that. Qui-Gon has just blatantly stated that the whole crux of the plot as laid out by the opening crawl is trivial. If it’s such a trivial matter, why are the Jedi involved? Would this not be a job better suited to a mediator of some variety, as opposed to a group of super powered guardians of peace and justice? It seems to me that mediating a trade dispute does not truly require the use of the Force.

The Neimoidians have now contacted Lord Sidious (ugh) and, in keeping with the theme started at the beginning of the film, the communication starts off as if we missed the first sentence of the conversation. “What is it?” he asks as his image appears. No hint that the Neimoidians have contacted him with some preliminary pleasantries as is customary when speaking to people in such a manner. You don’t answer the phone with “what is it?” you say “Hello” an introduction. You are answered in turn by a return of your greeting, and an introduction of who is calling “Hi, it’s George…” The nuances of communication seem to be a little alien to George however, as evidenced by his writing.

So, Lord Sidious is on the line, and the first thing one of our Neimoidians says is “We dare not go against the Jedi”. So what, are the Jedi a political power now? Why does this script continue to paint the Jedi, our supposed heroes, in such a poor light? Sidious replies with a sterling example of George’s skill as a dialogue writer “Viceroy, I don’t want this stunted slime in my sight again.” Stunted slime eh? That’s some nice alliteration there George, real top notch. Anyway, Sidious decides it’s time to invade Naboo, and while they’re at it, time to kill the Jedi too. We cut to the hangar, where dumb ass copilot watches as a gun turret lowers from the ceiling and swivels to aim at the ship. What does he do? Well, instead of raising the shields, he cries “Captain, look!” which she does. What does the captain do instead of raising the shields? She orders dumb ass to raise them, but she only gets ¾ of the way though the command before the guns, which have now had time to lock on to the ship and power up, blast her ship, her, and her dumb ass copilot, into tiny flaming chunks. I’m glad the Republic is full of alert, quick thinking individuals like these two.

The tension is mounting now. Can you feel it? Tune in next week for more!