And so we continue our epic saga….

Uh oh, looks like a sand storm is kicking up. This gives us the perfect excuse to slow the film down even more as our crew takes shelter at Anakin’s slave hovel. As slave hovels go, this one is pretty nice. Here we meet Anakin’s mother, Shmi. This poor woman gets saddled with some pretty lousy dialogue too, but more on that later. Now it’s time to introduce C-3PO. See, as it turns out, Anakin built C-3PO. Ain’t it a funny ol’ world? I have a big problem with this. Anakin built 3PO? How is it then that everybody who came into contact with 3PO conveniently forgot about it by the OT? I’m sorry, this is just one amazing coincidence too many. Worst of all, 3PO, like R2, serves absolutely no purpose in the film whatsoever. He’s a wasted character, taking up valuable screen time and filling it with nothing worthwhile.

Back at the cruiser, we’re treated to a short scene of that Governor guy from Naboo on the holograph, begging the queen to contact him. A brief discussion amongst the Jedi reveals the possibility that this is bait to establish “a connection trace”, it’s also implied that for such a trace to be established, they would have to send a reply. Luckily, this fact is conveniently forgotten 2 seconds later as we are whisked away to Corruscant, Where Darth Maul and Darth Sidious are taking a moonlight stroll along a deserted balcony. Maul, in one of his few lines of the film Informs Sidious that Tatooine is sparsely populated, and that if the trace was correct, he’ll find them quickly. The trace? The one that you shouldn’t have been able to make without a reply from the Naboo ship? I’m confused, how exactly did you establish this trace when, mere seconds ago, it was established that without a reply, a trace couldn’t be established? Don’t look for the answers here folks, this is yet another issue that will never see the light of day.

During this Scene, Sidious tells Maul to move against the Jedi first. When did Sidious find out the Jedi were with the queen? The Federation guys never told him, so where is this knowledge coming from? I couldn’t tell ya. No worries though, before you can think about it, we’re back in Anakin’s kitchen, talking about slave implants. Truly, Anakin’s delivery in this scene is just atrocious, and one can only wonder why George decided this take was good. Watching the documentary materials on the making of Episode I, it actually becomes quite clear. In spite of everything he’s accomplished, when it comes to directing, George is really lazy. It’s not uncommon for George to do only 3 takes before moving on. Lazy, or easily satisfied, it’s hard to tell. Having seen how much he scrutinizes the little details from ILM, I’m going with lazy, because I truly believe that George is perfectly satisfied with the performances he’s getting.

The kitchen scene exists to give our crew a way off of Tatooine, via the pod-race sequences that is coming up. That doesn’t stop George from throwing in some poor dialogue and more Jar Jar capering though. Jar Jar’s shtick this time, is grabbing fruit from a bowl with his frog-like tongue. At this point, Anakin also refers to a lightsabre as a “laser sword” which just makes me cringe. This is the Star Wars universe, I can understand someone in the real world calling it a laser sword, but in Star Wars, I expect people to call things by their proper names. A small point, but it irks me. Syrupy dialogue follows about freeing slaves, moral lessons about sharing and helping. All very heavy handed. There’s nothing I enjoy more than being pummeled over the head with the point of the scene. George doesn’t exactly have a delicate touch when relating these matters. It’s in your face and blatant, or it’s nothing.

Qui-Gon and co head on over to Watto’s junk shop to pull off the pod racing scam in, what is one of the scenes in the film that mostly works. A few off notes out of Anakin are all that pull this scene down. The exchange between Watto and Qui-Gon is terrific, and the more we see how well realized Watto is, the more we have to wonder out how Jar Jar went so terribly wrong. So, the deal is made, and it’s time to get back to scenes which feel forced and poorly scripted. Enter Qui-Gon and Obi conversing via comlink, about the merits of the pod-race plan, nothing terribly wrong at this stage, but what follows is syrupy and groan inducing. Shmi and Qui-Gon have a conversation about Anakin, how he’s special, how he knows nothing of greed, gives without thought of reward, blah blah blah. Yeah, Anakin sure is a wonderful kid. Shmi gently prods at Qui-Gon, making it clear she wants him to save her boy from his life of slavery, Qui-Gon is non-committal. Also, the “virgin birth” plot thread is introduced at this point. As if Anakin weren’t special enough, now he’s frickin’ Christ. Sorry George, this was a lame duck idea from the get go. There is no reason to go this route, and it really detracts from the story.

Anakin’s friends show up at this point while he’s working on his pod. Anakin’s friends pretty much suck. They’re mean, they’re snotty, they obviously don’t think much of Anakin (save for Kitster) and they’re all really bad actors to top it all off. Luckily, Anakin’s dialogue and delivery in this scene, for the most part, is passable. Moving on to Pod maintenance, it’s time for more Jar Jar capering, this time it’s the old novacaine gag, as Jar Jar gets his mouth zapped by the energy binders on the pod. So now Jar Jar is not only talking like a retarded baby, but like a retarded baby just back from the dentist. I don’t have the words to describe to you my infinite joy after having watched this scene. There’s some talk from 3PO and R2 about Jar Jar being odd that we could do entirely without, and then Anakin tests out the Pod, but not before giving Qui-Gon an emphatic and hammy delivery on the line “Yes Sir”. The Pod works, and Shmi looks less than pleased.

Her expression reminds of how I feel about this film. Thank goodness I’ve dedicated so much time to tearng it apart.

Ahh, Davis Wright Tremaine. No, it’s not some dude, it’s a law firm that’s set up shop in several states of America.

This story starts off a little horribly - picture the scene. Little boy gets an unexpected package in the mail. Inside is a nice robodog.

Now imagine said little boy plugging batteries into the dog all excitedly. Now imagine that there is a battery-activated pipe bomb inside the dog.

I’ll let your imagination run wild at this point, but let’s just say it was fatal. This all happened back in 2001; one of the suspects was caught, the other is currently on the lam. But this is where the case gets a little interesting. Apparently, in 2002, America’s Most Wanted decided to do their part and interview the investigators. They took the story and did one of their re-enactments. Normally this is a good thing, but about this time the one captured suspect started getting a little nervous.

Turns out the America’s Most Wanted episode wildly exaggerated several facts, showing the captured suspect in a darker light than he was (instead of being a secondary accomplice he was portrayed, practically, with a wiry moustache and top hat, cackling at the camera), and showed the pipe bomb blowing up the house, amongst other mistakes. This promptly spoiled pretty much every American jury member and they condemned the captured man to death.

This is easily a good example of the press not really helping things. The defense lawyers understandably were aghast and suddenly the focus of the trial was not on the murder, but on the actions of America’s Most Wanted. The show maintains they acted in good faith on the information given to them; the defense argues they exaggerated and made up crucial plot points that point the finger at the defendant.

The defense wanted a copy of the interview transcripts between the investigators and the show; the show says they don’t have them, and it doesn’t matter anyway since they never lied. These he-said-she-said court battles can go on for ages, and especially considering the ‘contaminated jury’ present.

Drag on it did. Fast forward to 2006; after 4 1/2 years of bickering, the lawyers for DWT submit yet another written argument in defense of the show. Woops! Looks like distracted secretary attached a complete copy of all original transcripts taken in the show’s interview!

This article just popped up describing the series of events in a bit more detail.

Talk about job-ending screwups. Looks like they’re hiring… What do you know - a secretary!

Remember Perri-Air?

Yep, that’s the stuff from our good old friends over at Spaceball City.

Well, that’s all I have to say on that subject. It’s a pretty slow news day so let’s see what else is going on in world… Hmmm… Ah! Here’s a story that’s a nice contrast to that last one:

Containing 40 deep breaths worth of pure oxygen, the canisters are being marketed at New York locales such as the Bergdorf Goodman department store at the introductory cost of $70

Wait a second! That sounds just like the aforementioned Perri-air. Apparantly this company Oxia thinks it’s a good idea to copy a movie joke, and try to keep a straight face while doing it. I guess it’s pretty easy to keep a straight face when you’re making $70 a pop and $15 on refills. USD.

Oxygen in a can is a little silly because most benefits from breathing oxygen are obtained… Well… With every breath you take. By hyperventilating yourself you can oversaturate your blood with Oxygen and mimic having an oxygen mask on. Of course, Oxia is jumping on every snake-oil claim they possibly can in a shotgun approach to marketing. If their ads are to be beleived, this product can:

• Cure hangovers - Oh great! Now I know that hangovers are caused by a lack of oxygen. I’ll just hyperventilate on Sunday mornings from now on.
• Give you an energy boost similar to carbonated energy drinks - Oxygen gives you energy? Hah! Hardly believable. Watch, I won’t take in any oxygen from now on and we’ll see how much ener
• Cure jet lag - Wait a minute, couldn’t they just claim this under the “Energy boost” category?!
• Release all your stress - I’m betting they don’t have a money back guarantee where if you take a big breath out of their can and you don’t calm down.
• Keep you generically healthy, similar to a “health beverage” - I’m guessing a lack of oxygen will make you sick, so the only obvious conclusion is that more oxygen is better!
• Rejuvinate your skin - ah yes, the fountain of youth. Have you ever seen skin that has been exposed to a 100% pure methane environment? It goes all yellow and wrinkly. NO MORE! With new Oxia-brand oxygen!
• Improve your concentration - Don’t you get all sleepy and lose interest when you don’t have your Oxygen?
• Calm your nerves - No more flailing around panicking because you don’t have your Oxygen handy!
• Bolster your immune system - … Don’t viruses and bacteria thrive on Oxygen? I could be wrong here. I wonder if they’ll show me technical documents detailing how much your immune system is bolstered.
• Eliminate headaches - I find this a very interesting claim. It’s so easily tested; all I can assume is that it provides some sort of temporary pain releif? Hmm.
• Cure altitude sickness - CONSIDERING ALTITUDE SICKNESS IS CAUSED BY A LACK OF OXYGEN I SHOULD HOPE SO, JESUS
• “Feeds your Heart” - This is just amazing. “Feeds your Heart?” WTH ELSE WOULD YOUR HEART EAT, HAMBURGERS?!
• Promotes blood circulation - Well now that your heart is full and bursting with energy I guess it has to do something with it
• Aids in digestion - I’m assuming your digestive process is sped up by blood circulation.
• Aids in metabolism - I’m not doctor, but didn’t they just repeat themselves?
• Reduces Lactic Acid buildup - which results in you RUNNING FASTER! It’s like RACING STRIPES for your LUNGS!
• “Oxygen is vital to your immune system” - well so is water, sugar, nitrates… I could go on and on.

*shakes head sadly*
I think I’m going to kill myself if they trademark their product and sue anyone obtaining these benefits from other non-commercial sources.

Semi-recently I hit the theatre with work, and I saw a movie I enjoyed so much that I actually had to take Weasel back with me after.

You may recall a couple of magic/mystery themed movies came out recently. One had Edward Norton, Paul Giamatti, and Jessica Biel, and got fairly good reviews. I went and saw the other one starring Wolverine and Batman (with Michael Caine, Scarlett Johansen, and freakin’ David Bowie thrown in for good measure). I wasn’t actually sure which one I was about to see on my way to the theatre. Normally I would be rushing to see the Edward Norton one, because he’s normally pretty good. But, I’m actually pretty happy I ended up seeing “The Prestige” instead.

The Prestige is a story about two competing magicians. Both are trying to figure out each other’s tricks, and their pride takes them down dangerous, and even deadly, paths. The story keeps you guessing about whether real magic is being used, and how things are really done, just as the characters are asking themselves the same questions. The timeline skips around so it’s a little confusing for the first half hour or so, but all is revealed in the end.

The movie was written by the guy who wrote Memento. So of course, there are a lot of twists and turns throughout the story. Some of it works, some of it doesn’t. The movie isn’t super spectacular (it’s no “The Departed”) - but it’s interesting and entertaining. It’s more of a high brow guilty pleasure. Weasel was likewise giving the movie a big thumbs up by the end.

If you get a chance to check out this movie, I recommend it. Despite a few flaws, at least it will give you something to think/talk about after, which is more than I can say for most of the movies out there right now.

The Rotten Tomato link is here. I haven’t seen the other one, but I think the storylines are a bit different despite a very simlilar theme. Magically, the RT freshness rating is likewise quite close.

We figure if the Simpsons can air their Halloween special weeks after Halloween, we can totally get away with it too. Only even later. In your face Matt Groening. Anyway, without futher delay here is the first spine tingling chapter!

Visit the groin-grabbingly awesome Non Stop Pop website! If you dare!

So my close personal Apes, Colin and Sarah, have decided to hop on a hunk of styrofoam and drift off to the exotic location of Koh Phangan in Thailand. They washed up in low tide some 2 kilometers out from the beach and hiked their way over exotic fish, crabs, and coral reefs to their stupidly cheap rented oceanfront home complete with satellite internet.

The island is right above this comically drawn arrow, helpfully arranged by some Thai tourism website:

It’s that little island immediately North of Koh Samui.

The reason I bring this up is because they’ve started a little travel blog. I thought it would be mentioning all sorts of boring stuff (Like “Hey look everyone, we bought $17,000,234 worth of software for $5! Hey look, I picked up four PS3s and two Wiis!”), so I hesitantly checked up on them once in a while. Turns out they keep dropping bombs of information and insight, so I can’t tear myself away.

Most recently, Colin dragged himself out to a backroom boxing match between, amongst other events, 12-year-olds. The article is a little long and contains drunken rambling, but it is still chock full of goodness.

The first fighters show up and are about 12. The womans voice assures me that this builds character or some poor excuse and to be a master you have to start out this young. Trust me, noone swilling through this joint was going on to better things. This place had a real end-of-the-line feel.

So the 12 year olds kick the shit out of eachother for a while. I really wanted to get a picture of the kid in the blue corner standing, gloves down, with a bloody nose after the end of a round, but didn’t. Well not on film. The image is indelibly ingrained on my mind.

Check it out. Fun reading even if you don’t plan on going there.

I’m often looking for images that define in black-and-white various aspects of my life. The other day I found one such image, and it was even in black-and-white! Like, literally, black and white.. Not just… ok.

You may be wondering what the image defines. Well, that’s simple - If you don’t absolutely love this image on at least 4 levels, I don’t want to associate with you! Hooray!

In case that image doesn’t agree with you, I’ll bedazzle you with a mashup of movie posters instead. I will associate with you whether you enjoy the following or not; but rest assured that it is decidedly low brow when compared to the optical glorifurous that is posted above.