Random thoughts from 4:45 am


- The movie Philadelphia was on the other night. I’d never seen it, but I remember a lot of people talking about what a great movie it was at the time. The performances were good and all, but the cinematography just killed me. They constantly went for 1st person camera shots and a lot of really silly choices for what shots were actually seen. The result is taking you completely out of the movie. I can understand the desire to show things from a character’s point of view, but what happens is you just notice the camerawork. The best camera work is when you forget it is a camera; when you completely lose yourself in it.

Example: Christopher Nolan. Nolan is really well known for the depth of his movies and the intricacies of the plot. And I love all that stuff. But his choices of camera angles and the way he puts it all together is why he’s one of my favorite directors. You just lose yourself in his movies. You never think “that’s an interesting camera angle,” because you never consider the camera. You think “that’s an interesting visual.” It’s a subtle thing, but it goes a long way in my enjoyment of a film.

- We rented Fast Food Nation tonight. The movie was developed with the author of the book of the same name, though the movie doesn’t follow the book at all, it just explores the same themes. It’s an interesting look at the fast food industry and all the people involved in turning a cow (or various parts of 1,000 cows) into a Big Mac. I was with them the whole way, and even Fez from That 70’s Show put in a pretty good performance. However, Avril Lavigne shows up as a pseudo-hippie activist type towards the end, and I just didn’t buy it. She’s not very convincing. Ashley Johnson (best known from Growing Pains, and being Mel Gibson’s daughter in What Women Want), however, turned in a really good performance.

- Actually, that warrants a short rant of its own, while we’re on the topic of movies. I hate it when a movie has a gimmick like that, but it just hasn’t been thought through. Mel Gibson can hear women’s thoughts. This appears to function in a way where the volume of said thoughts is based on his proximity to the women (as based on the scene where he gets overwhelmed by their thoughts in a crowded shopping mall). If that’s the way it works, than the scenes where he’s reading women’s minds over the phone make absolutely no sense. I hate things like that, because with minimal effort, these issues could be resolved, but the writers just don’t give a shit. Like that god awful Signs movie. SPOILERS- The aliens weakness is water. They would die the moment they entered our atmosphere. Somewhere, M. Night Shamalalalanianiola’s high school science teacher is ashamed of himself. - END SPOILERS

- This is the funniest thing I’ve seen in years.

- Hulk Hogan continues to act like a complete prick. First, he talked about how he and Eric Bischoff were going to start their own wrestling promotion to compete with McMahon This turned out to just be a pitch for a reality show where celebrities train to be wrestlers, not a full-on promotion as he implied. Then he started talking about how Wrestlemania needed him to provide a “real main event,” and offered to work with Ric Flair in his last match (making it evident that all his talk about starting his own promotion was just for better bargaining leverage with McMahon).

Hogan’s egotism is rampant here. Hulk Hogan would just take away from Wrestlemania. There’s two main events with 5 of the most over performers they have involved. Not only that, but in 30 minutes, they sold 40,000 of the 70,000 available tickets. Despite what Hulk Hogan may tell you, Wrestlemania doesn’t need Hulk Hogan. They’ve done huge business without him. As for Ric Flair, his last match had better damn well be against someone who can make it memorable. Hogan does not fill that position. If I want to watch Hulk Hogan make Ric Flair look like shit, I’ll watch WCW stuff from 1994, thank you very much. Shawn Michaels, who is most likely going to be Flair’s opponent, will put on a great match with him. Personally, I’d perfer someone younger who would really benefit from being “the man who retired Ric Flair,” but I’ll take the great match as a consolation prize.

Here’s an interesting related piece of news. Bobby Lashley (or Black Lesnar, as I call him) was released from WWE recently. He claimed on his myspace or something that he was unhappy for a number of reasons, including his pay off from Wrestlemania last year. Lashley was involved in that whole Donald Trump fiasco last year, and was reportedly paid in the neighborhood of $250,000 for his 20 minute match. Think about that. At my most recent salary, I would have to work 10 years to make that much money. He made that in 20 minutes and he’s pissed off? After only being in the business for about 4 years? Good riddance, Lashley, you unimaginable spoiled brat.

- A Shadowrun novel I won on eBay came in recently. I really enjoyed those novels as a teen. If you’ve never heard of it, Shadowrun started as a pen-and-paper role playing game (like Dungeons and Dragons). Later, it was adapted into video games for the Genesis and Snes (my first exposure to it), and then a series of novels. I never played the original game, I don’t really have any interest in it. But I love the world that the game exists in. Basically, it’s Lord of the Rings meets Blade Runner. Magic and creatures of magic (Elves, Orcs, Trolls, Vampires, Werewolves, etc…) return to the world and start to stake out a place in the new high-tech societies of 2050.  In this future, megacorporations hire Shadowrunners to carry out corporate espionage, assassinations, or any other dirty business they need accomplished. It’s a great combination of imagery. Powerful corporations can be run by a dragon. High-powered firearms clash with vicious magic. I can’t believe there’s never been a movie based on Shadowrun. The subject matter and the context are so rich and filled with the potential for really awesome visuals. Maybe I’ll try my hand at writing a script and pitch it someday.

- Speaking of video games, I spent an incredible amount of my time in the last two weeks playing Harvest Moon for the Snes. It’s a simple farming game, if you’ve never heard of it, but it’s really addictive. Right now, my days (each day lasts about 5-6 minutes in game time) are filled with watering/planting/harvesting any crops I have, feeding/milking/brushing/talking to my cows, feeding my chickens and shipping their eggs. It sounds mundane, but it’s engrossing.


This is a cake in the shape of Majora’s Mask, and by far one of the coolest things I’ve ever seen. Anyone planning on throwing me a birthday party next year, take note.

I’m going to give it up for a while soon, though. I’ve got too many old games that I have to finish. First and foremost is Majora’s Mask. It’s my favorite Zelda game, but I still have yet to complete it. I’m really close. I’ve got all my masks, and I’m in the last palace before I can challenge the Skull Kid and fight Majora’s Mask itself. Next up after that is Metroid Prime, which I got for Christmas last year, and started to get really into over the summer, but when I got my Wii, it fell by the wayside to all the Wii games I started playing. Then, it’s off to Super Paper Mario, which is a fantastic game, but I got distracted from it by other games. Then after that, I suppose, I should focus on being a completionist with Mario Galaxy, as I’ve beaten Bowser in the last level, but I need to collect the last 40 or so stars to unlock Luigi as a playable character.

Chances are, I’ll get on to some new game (or maybe an old one) before all that and never get around to any of this. But eventually, i will finish them all.

4 comments : D to 'Random thoughts from 4:45 am'

  1. on February 23rd, 2008 at 4:00 pm #

    Maristar said,

    OMG I LOVE HARVEST MOON!!! BEST GAME EVER!!!!!!

  2. on February 26th, 2008 at 12:18 pm #

    weasel said,

    And I have to contribue that it is a brilliant hogan image montage.

  3. on March 2nd, 2008 at 12:20 am #

    Hawkeye said,

    Maristar- I got so annoyed with the chickens I sold them all. It just wasn’t worth the effort. My cows are doing very well though, and my wife will soon bear my first child.

    Weasel- By far the best ones are the big boot to the tower and the one where he’s pointing at it, like the tower was kicking his ass for a bit, and now he’s Hulked up and is going to unload on it.

  4. on March 8th, 2008 at 2:20 am #

    Hawkeye said,

    Update- I finished Majora’s Mask the other night. Very satisfying. God, I love that game.

Put those fingers to the keys!

Movie Madness Part Deux

As promised (although a week late) I give to you my current list of favorite movies. Once again, “current” means “At this very second” and could change at any moment depending on the spots in my memory.

talladega_nights.jpgComedy:
Pretty much anything with Will Ferrell (Esp. Talladega nights, Anchorman, Old School)
Most Ben Stiller stuff (except Meet the Parents)
Caddyshack
The Big Lebowski
Office Space
Wes Anderson stuff: Bottle Rocket, Rushmore, The Royal Tennebaums, The Life Aquatic
40-year-old virgin, Knocked up, Superbad

bourne-ultimatum-poster-425.jpgAction:
The Bourne Identity, Supremacy, Ultimatum
Fight Club
The Matrix (1, not 2 or 3)
Pirates of the Caribbean (ditto)
Rocky I and IV
Snatch and Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels
Ronin

usual_suspects.jpgDrama/Thriller/Suspense:
Se7en
The Usual Suspects
American History X
Primal Fear
The Rules of Attraction
Enemy of the State
Pi

juno-poster2-big.jpgAll around goodness:
Juno - Just saw this, maybe I’m biased
I *heart* Huckabee’s
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
Seven Years in Tibet
The Shawshank Redemption
Scent of a Woman
High Fidelity

…And so on. Of course, there are many, many more, but you get the idea.

Just one comment : / to 'Movie Madness Part Deux'

  1. on February 23rd, 2008 at 2:10 am #

    Hawkeye said,

    Personally, I’m just sick of Ben Stiller. And Will Ferrell is really hit or miss with me. I love Anchorman, but didn’t like Talledega Nights at all. I didn’t really like any of the Matrix movies, even less so now that the AMC movie channel has been playing it every 4 hours. I hated the first Pirates of the Caribbean movie enough to boycott the next ones.

    With those exceptions, however, I’m pretty much down with this list. Especially Pi, Juno, Huckabee’s, Shawshank, High Fidelity, Lobowski, Caddyshack, Office Space, Life Aquatic and Usual Suspects all among my all-time favorites.

Put those fingers to the keys!

Red Balloon will push you down a well…

As usual, here’s an article for those of us of a less nerdy persuasion.

You know, I’m usually pretty serious about my music, but on occasion, you need something that’ll just make you laugh. I guess this is bred into me, since before I started listening to, you know, actual music, I was a fan of the Chipmunks and then Weird Al (for the record, Weird Al’s Nirvana parody led me to check them out, and that was the first real band I listened to). Here’s a few songs that crack me the hell up.

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The Fifth Dimension - Good Morning, Starshine

Honestly, this song makes no friggin sense at all. It’s like the catchiest frigging thing in the world, imbedding itself into your head like a six inch railroad spike. But then afterwards, you have to ask yourself, what the hell kind of early-morning-singing-song is “Gliddy glub gloopy/Nibby nabby noopy/La la la lo lo/Sabba sibby sabba/Nooby abba nabba/Le le lo lo?” Maybe I’m a little prejudiced by the Simpsons reference, but I giggle an extra little bit harder picturing Leonard Nimoy, Mulder, Scully and Chewbacca all singing the song wearing “Homer is a dope” t-shirts. Good times.

Here’s the original version by the cast of Hair, which isn’t nearly as good as the 5th Dimension.

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Tom Waits - Step Right Up

Waits spews out a stream of consciousness ramble of different bits he’s heard in various commercials. I’m sure there’s some serious commercial culture commentary hidden in there, but on the surface it’s all about lines like “Change your shorts/Change your life/Change your life/Change into a nine year old Hindu boy, get rid of your wife” and “Gets rid of blackheads, the heartbreak of psoriasis/Christ, you don’t know the meaning of heartbreak, buddy.” Also, I hereby pledge my undying love for anything with the line, “get away from me kid, you bother me.”

For some reason, some interwebber put this song to clips from The Matrix. Whatever man.

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MC Chris - The Tussin

This one surprises me. I’ve never been much for rap, though I do find Snoop hilarious. MC Chris (who you may remember as the voice of Hesh on Sealab 2021), however, is the pinnacle of “geek rap” (don’t call it nerdcore), blasting dope rhymes about Star Wars and DQ Blizzards. Here, he sings a song about his deep, passionate love for abusive consumption of Robotussin. If there were any justice in the world, this would have been the most popular dance club song in the world in 2001. Sadly, there is clearly no justice. “Frankly, the feeling’s fuckin fantastic/I’m tripping like Jesus in the desert when he fasted/Like it’s the night before we all get drafted/Like we’re rowing through some rapids with Kevin Bacon, white water rafting/Like you’re at Epcot Center on acid? Exactly.”

Nobody makes more music videos to songs with no conceivable connection than anime fans. It’s a fact. Look it up.

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The Boomtown Rats - I Never Loved Eva Braun

You have an expectation when your given a song to listen to, and you’re told, “It’s written from Hitler’s point of view.” You anticipate some sort of angry, nazi bullcrap song about how the Jews have all the money or some shit like that. Instead, Bob Geldof (best known for organizing the Live 8 and Band Aid charity concerts) and the rest of the Rats deliver this deliciously satirical song, with Hitler admitting frankly that, well yeah, I did some bad shit, I conquered countries, but I did NOT ever love Eva Braun. Like the others on this list, it also benefits from being catchy as hell.

It is an endless source of amusement when someone posts something like this on Youtube and people just don’t get it. Want to feel smarter? Read some Youtube video comments.

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Motorhead - complete discography

Maybe not for the same reasons as the other acts on this list, but I’ve been really getting into Motorhead lately. And I’ve been laughing my ass off at it. Their songs are undeniably badass, full of bruising riffs and craggy vocals. But it’s just a little too perfect at it. It goes beyond the category of just serious metal, and at times comes across like a parody. Maybe it’s because I’ve seen so many shitty metal bands try, unsuccessfully, to recreate their sound. Whatever the case, Motorhead makes me bob my head, throw up the devil horns, but laugh a little on the inside. Also, Lemmy is the ugliest son of a bitch in the world, and that’s got to count for something.

Insert witty comment here.

mrshow.jpg
The Complete Mr. Show Songbook

Anytime there was a need for musical segments in Mr. Show, they came through with flying colours. Between David Cross’ staggeringly beautiful voice, Bob Odenkirk’s hilariously awful voice and the perfect arrangements of Eban Schletter (who’s got some pretty good albums of his own out), the songs were always a high point on Mr. Show. Mostly, they were parodies of existing songs or styles, and they captured them perfectly in each one. A few examples-

- Marilyn Manson parody (to a similar tune to “Rock is Dead”) “Bah bah black sheep, have you any hate?/Yes I’ve, Yes I’ve sealed my fate”
- A parody of some silly British band you probably never heard of that seemed to spend more time selling lunchboxes and running away from crowds of girls than making music.
- Inspirational music played at a high school assembly.
- That horrible moment when your parents start to like rap.
- Wanky singer-songwriter style - “Said goodbye to a friend today, who was off to find some fun/and when he came back, he never came back, because his life was done.”
- Late 90’s R n’ B male vocal groups - All the lyrics are just Ewwwwwww, occasionally punctuated by “Damn!”
- Poorly conceived musicals (actually, probably the one that is most people’s favorite, mostly for Ronnie’s song).
- Brian Wilson style song about nonsense, in this case, herpes: “That guy you’re with is like a mouthful of sores”
- And of course, the Red Balloon!


Anyone have anything to add?

6 comments : D to 'Red Balloon will push you down a well…'

  1. on February 19th, 2008 at 5:48 pm #

    Iride Daley said,

    You should check out pretty much anything by the Flight of the Conchords. business time is a good one, but my favorite is either the http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FArZxLj6DLk&feature=related“>Hiphopopotomus vs. the rhymenocerous or http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WGoi1MSGu64&feature=related“>The humans are dead.

  2. on February 19th, 2008 at 7:17 pm #

    Hawkeye said,

    I am familiar with the Flight of the Conchords. Actually, I’ve seen more clips of their tv show then I’ve heard actual songs. The humans are dead was the only one I’d heard before. Business Time is really funny. It reminded me of Principal Blackman from Strangers with Candy when he’s trying to seduce women. Hiphopotomus made me laugh loud enough to wake Lindsay up. Probably my favorite one.
    Anyway, I probably would have included them if I’d thought of them.

  3. on February 19th, 2008 at 7:19 pm #

    Hawkeye said,

    Let me clean those up for ya there.

  4. on February 19th, 2008 at 7:22 pm #

    Iride Daley said,

    I’m super serial though. Why can’t I edit my own comments? The first one is still f’ed up…

  5. on February 20th, 2008 at 12:04 pm #

    Iride Daley said,

    Wow, I used to have “step right up” on an unlabeled mix tape like 15 years ago and never knew who it was. Awesome song… “HowDoWeDoItHowDoWeDoItHowDoWeDoIt? Volume, Volume, Volume!”

  6. on February 23rd, 2008 at 2:16 am #

    Hawkeye said,

    Ha, Step Right Up was the song that first got me interested in Waits, back in 2000. “It new, it’s improved, it’s old fashioned!”

Put those fingers to the keys!

History of Hyrule, part 6 (5001-6001)

alttp_copy.jpg

At the turn of the Millenium, as young Link IV continued to grow, his Uncle Error began to feel uneasy. He sensed great trouble coming, and he stepped up Link’s training. Meanwhile, the two moved into a new home south of Hyrule Castle. The farm house was simply too big and lonely with just the two of them, and alone they could not maintain the farm. With a heavy heart, he sold their remaining livestock and crops to buy the new house.

He recalled happier times, enjoying the company of his family. His brother in law, Link I, he remembered was very quiet. Often, Link would be found sitting quietly in the corner, reading books he had checked out of the Kakariko Village library. More than a few times, it was the Book of Modura, which was now seen as a religious book.

book.JPG
The Book of Modura (sometimes spelled Mudora, due to the complexities of translating Hylian language to English) was a tome of great spiritual and religious significance to the people of Hyrule. Some believed the stories were the literal tales of the legendary Heroes, others believed them to be allegorical tales, meant to convey moral messages.

Error and his family had never attended ceremonies or other spiritual events in Hyrule. Their ranch and farm had been on the outskirts of Hyrule, and they were happy without the influence of religion into their lives. Error, in particular, was strongly against the religion and he would attempt to engage Link in debates. “Why do you read such nonsense?” he would ask, “It provides easy answers for simple people.” Link would usually respond simply, “There is little knowledge that is not power.”

Now, with this unbearable sense of dread filling his heart, those words echoed in Error’s head. In desperation, he travelled to the Kakariko library and began reading the Book of Modura. He would not tell young Link his specific intention, only that he was going to library and he wished to be alone. Still unsure about what he saw as a religion of false hope and easy answers, he did not want to steer the boy down what may be a bad path.

As he read the legends in the book, he was fascinated by the stories of bravery told within. The exploits of the Hero of Time, the Hero of Winds and the Hero of Light were inspiring to him. More than anything, however, he was intruiged by the knowledge he gained throughout the many historical accounts. He had thought the Zoras and Gorons were simple folk tales concocted to scare children, but he now knew them to be extinct races of Hyrule. The bloody wars fought over the Triforce were chilling to read about, though he lived in tumultuous times of natural disasters (before Agahnim’s appearance, anyway) he could not imagine open war. The Great Sea was almost inconceivable for him; how could everything he knew have been underwater for so long?

gsg-daniela-zorafalls.jpg

During his adventures, Link IV encountered many creatures of significance. Here, he is shown meeting the King of the Zolas. Though the Zolas were violent and attacked humans, the King admired Link’s persistence and sold him a pair of Zola-designed flippers.

As he neared the end of the book, he was happy to read that after their trials had ended, the Hero of Winds and his descendant the Hero of Light were able to live peacefully as farmers. Error paused in his reading, stunned by the thought that had occurred to him. He frantically flipped through the Book, rereading certain passages and descriptions of the later lives of the two Heroes. Error’s head dropped into his hands, and he wept, overwhelmed. The descriptions in the book were too familiar: it was his family’s ranch. They were the descendants of the legendary Heroes!

The Hero of Light, it seems, was as modest as the Hero of Winds, and never told his wife or children about the full extent of his exploits. Knowing the truth of his ancestry, Error knew he had to be ready. His feeling of unease was replaced with an urgency to be ready, whatever the cost. Though he was already an adult much older than the legendary Heroes had been, he was determined to be ready to do whatever was necessary.

Of course, unbeknownst to Error, his brother in law had been the time-displaced Hero of Time (modesty, it seems, is a trait shared by all the Heroes). Thus, young Link IV was a very special child, as he shared the bloodlines of all three legendary Heroes. As Error trained his nephew, little did he know he was training a child fated for heroism.

kt-agahnim.jpg

Meanwhile, Agahnim had gained the King’s trust enough that he was widely respected within the castle. The King had also made it known that if anything were ever to happen to him, Agahnim would rule in his place until Princess Zelda was old enough. Zelda had cunning beyond her years, however, and suspected Agahnim, though she had no proof. She would attempt to spy on his actions, often being caught and returned to her room by the Knights of Hyrule.

Late one night, Agahnim approached the King claiming urgent business that needed discussing. He lied to the King, telling him that he had heard talk of an attempt on the lives of the seven descendants of the Sages who had sealed Ganon away. The only way to save them, he claimed was to reveal the identities of the descendants to Agahnim so he could save them. The King (knowing that the bloodlines of the Sages were essential to keeping Ganon sealed in the Sacred Realm) immediately told him six of the descendants were young girls from various places in Hyrule, and instructed him on where to find them. Agahnim demanded to know who the seventh girl was. The King turned away, almost embarrassed at having to share this, his most closely guarded secret.

b-sealing.jpg
The seven Sages of the era following the Hero of Light seal Ganon’s spirit in the Sacred Realm. It was their hope that travel between the two worlds would impossible.

“The seventh descendant is Zelda,” he sighed. “You’re the only person I’ve ever told that too. She doesn’t even know.” The King had time to exhale once before he felt his throat close up. Agahnim was choking the King with the very same rope he had used on his father an eternity ago. “Ganon appreciates your candor,” he laughed as he garrotted the King into unconsciousness. He then laid the King on an altar he had prepared. Using evil magic he had recently perfected, he transported the King into the Sacred Realm.

Agahnim immediately left the room and went to the Knights of Hyrule. “Evil conspires to kill the descendants of the seven Sages,” he announced, “The King has ordered you to come with me and save them!” Without question, the Knights left with Agahnim, and for three weeks they traveled Hyrule rounding up the girls. They acted in stealth, snatching the girls without leaving a trace. When these tactics were questioned by the soldiers, he replied, “It is better this way. The forces of evil could torture their families into revealing that we have told them. Better that their families know nothing until we can assure their safety.” With the girls rounded up, Agahnim had them placed in the basement prison of the Castle. Again, the soldiers questioned this, but Agahnim assured them. “There is little difference between a fortress and a prison. Both can serve the same purpose. This is the safest place.”

By this time, it was apparent that the King was missing. Agahnim claimed to know nothing about it, even shedding fake tears when he was informed. Agahnim ascended to the throne of Hyrule, declaring that he wished he did not have to do this, but it would be necessary until the King was found. As such, his first decree was that a squad of Knights under his direction would begin searching for the King. His second decree was that the disappearance of the King would be kept secret; better not to worry the people until he have more information, he reasoned.

It was clear to the Knights of the Castle, however, that something had changed in Agahnim. He was more cold, more intimidating. His orders became more peculiar, though now that he was the highest authority in Hyrule, none dared question his authority. The Knights complied when he ordered Princess Zelda be locked in the prison. Then, every night for a six days, Agahnim ordered one of the girls be brought to his personal chamber. After this, the girl would never been seen again. One Knight dared question Agahnim about this, and was immediately put to death. There would be no further questions from the guards.

As the descendants of the Sages were banished and imprisoned in the Sacred Realm, Ganon could feel his strength returning. He waited at the Triforce, biding his time until he would have a corporeal form, and claim it’s power. As his power grew, the Sacred Realm slowly transformed to reflect Ganon’s evil wishes, taking the form of a twisted mirror image of Hyrule. Once he claimed the Triforce, he would be unstoppable.

triforce.jpg
The Triforce in its resting place in the Sacred Realm. Ganon’s spirit was unable to claim the Triforce, but his evil presence was able to corrupt what had once been known as the Golden Land.

Meanwhile, Error and Link had been suffering horrible nightmares. In the dreams, young girls were screaming for help trapped in crystal prisons as they were taunted by dark beasts. Error did his best to convince Link that they were only dreams, and they would pass. He was not so convinced himself, however. On the seventh night, as he lay in bed during a violent rainstorm, he heard a voice cry out. “Please help me…” He heard his uncle stir across the room and he wondered if he heard it too. The voice continued.

“I am a prisoner in the dungeon of the castle. My name is Zelda. The wizard, Agahnim, has done…something to the other missing girls. Now only I remain. Agahnim has seized control of the castle and is now trying to open the seven wise men’s seal. I am in the dungeon of the castle. Please help me…”

Error got out of bed and grabbed his sword and shield. “Link, I’m going out for a while. I’ll be back by morning. Don’t leave the house.” Link tried to ask his uncle if he was going to the castle, but the door slammed before he could. Link sat for a while, thinking about what had happened, and he was overcome with an urge to help this girl. Grabbing a lantern, Link left the house and set off towards the Castle. As he came upon the Castle, he saw that the Gate was closed, but he felt drawn to the eastern side of the outer walls. There, behind some bushes, he found an open grating that led into the sewer system beneath the Castle. “Go in,” he heard the voice say.
gsg-daniela-castlehyrule.jpg

Shortly after entering the sewers, he was shocked to find his uncle slumped against a wall. Error, now realizing that Link was Zelda’s only hope, and perhaps that it was Link, not himself, who was fated to be a Hero, gave Link his sword and shield. Link began to cry, at his uncle’s side. Error put his hand on his nephew’s shoulder and told him simply, “Grieve for me later. You must save Princess Zelda. You must do it now Link.” Link nodded, wiped his tears on his sleeve, and continued through the maze of sewers.

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Link’s uncle Error dies in the sewers below Hyrule Castle. Though he would eventually avenge his uncle, Link’s motives were beyond simple retribution. The youth felt an indefatigable urge to save the Kingdom.

The voice in his head guided him through the Castle. He avoided most of the guards, and made his way into the prison. Looking through the dimly lit prison, he saw only one cell with an occupant. As he approached the cell, the voice in his head yelled, “duck!” Link did, and a massive spiked mace crashed into the wall behind him. Turning, he was faced with a Knight of Hyrule, brandishing a ball and chain. Remembering the training his uncle had given him, he dodged the guard’s attacks. The guard was hindered by his unweildy weapon, and Link was soon able to slide his sword through a weak point in the armour, killing him. He found a key in a satchel tied to the guard’s belt, and used it to unlock the cell.

“Thank you, Link,” said Princess Zelda. Before Link could ask how she knew his name, Zelda explained that there was no time to lose and they had to flee. Zelda led Link to the throne room, where there lay a secret escape route, known only to the royal family. The route led back through the sewers and eventually came out in the Sanctuary to the north. The priest who lived there was shocked to see Zelda, and he and Link both listened intently as Zelda explained about the other six descendants. “I know he has something to do with the disappearance of my father, as well,” added Zelda. The priest and Zelda discussed their next move until dawn, while Link finally took a moment to grieve his uncle in the back of the Sanctuary.

He was drawn out of his own thoughts when he heard Zelda cry out, “You never received it?!” The priest explained to Link, “we believe the only way to stop Agahnim is with the blade of evil’s bane, The Master Sword. The sword has a lock, of sorts, involving three pendants. One of those pendants was supposed to be delivered to me, but I never received it.” They immediately suspected Agahnim would have it, but couldn’t know where he would hide such a thing. Zelda smiled. “Sahasralah would know, he is wise to matters like this.” The priest explained to Link that Sahasralah was the elder of Kakariko village, and marked his house on Link’s map. “Find him, he will help us.”

Anxious to do all he could to help, Link set out on his quest. In Kakariko Village, he found that many of the villagers now feared him. He soon found out why; there were signs everywhere declaring that he was a bandit who had kidnapped Princess Zelda. Sahasralah’s family, however, knew Link from earlier, and happily pointed Link in the direction of the former encampments near the Eastern Palace. There, Link met Sahasralah, who told him that the first Pendant lay in the Palace. Sahasralah would attempt to find out where the remaining pendants were in the meantime.

Link battled through the temple, finding an ancient bow that was once used by his anscestor there, and used it to defeat the Armos Knights and claim the Pendant of Courage. His battle finished, Link revisited Sahasralah, who had discovered the locations of the remaining pendants: in the desert and high atop Death Mountain, in the Tower of Hera.

Link set out on a massive journey that saw him aid many people along the way to recovering the Pendants. He recovered many ancient weapons, such as the Icerod (constructed by the Yetis of Snowpeak long ago), the Firerod (imbued with the fires of Death Mountain by the Rito when they lived there), and the magical Ether, Bombos and Quake Medallions. These medallions had been studied extensively by Agahnim, and had allowed him to call the severe natural disasters that had plagued Hyrule.

Soon, he had defeated the Lanmola in the desert temple, recovering the Pendant of power. Then, he scaled Death Mountain. Along the way, he met an old man, who he helped through the mountain. The old man talked about a granddaughter who had disappeared, and hoping to find her again someday. As a gift, he gave Link a mirror which he said contained great magic (the mirror had been created by the same Sages who had created the Mirror of Twilight, eons earlier). As he climbed the mountain, the Tower of Hera was in sight, but he could find no way to pass; there was no good footing. In the area, however, Link discovered a bright, blue glowing light emanating from the ground in one specific area, roughly a meter around. Link leaned in to investigate, and was almost hypnotized by the swirling mass. Without thinking, he reached out and touched it. When he did, everything went white, and he lost consciousness.

When he awoke, it appeared to be night and he saw that the path to the Tower of Hera was somehow easier to climb now. He started off in that direction, and prepared to scale a small rock face. He brought his hand up to find a grip, but was horrified to see a bright pink paw. Link only now realized that he had somehow been transformed into a sort of rabbit-like creature. In his panic, he turned to face Hyrule and was shocked to see that every plant and tree he could see appeared to be dying. Kakariko Village was in ruins. Even the desert now appeared to have massive storm clouds over it. In a panic, Link reached into his bag. He pulled out the magic mirror, and gazed into it. The mirror showed his true reflection. He looked at the mirror for a time, then closed his eyes and cried. “I’ve failed,” he thought “I cannot defeat evil like this, I can’t even grasp my sword.” When he opened his eyes, however, he was back in the Hyrule he knew, now standing in front of the Tower of Hera.

bunny_link.jpg

Link eventually discovered that he had been transported to the Sacred Realm, which at the time, was still being formed by Ganon’s evil thoughts. In the realm, one took on a form that was a twisted vision of the content of their heart, in Link’s case, a rabbit, representing the timid compassion in his heart. If one were to stay in the Sacred Realm too long, these forms would become permanent. In the Tower of Hera, however, Link discovered a relic called the Moon’s Pearl which would keep one in their natural form, protecting them from magic like that of the Sacred Realm (Ganon had planned to use it to keep Agahnim from reverting to an uncorrupted version of himself if he ever came to the Realm). On the top floor of the Tower, he defeated the Moldurm and claimed the Pendant of Wisdom.

Link immediately set out for the Lost Woods, where the Master Sword was said to rest. Deep in a grove, he found the sword’s pedestal, and feeling the power flowing through him, pulled the sword from the stone. Almost as soon as he had pulled the sword, he heard Princess Zelda cry for help, the same way he had that rainy night. He raced for the Sanctuary, but was too late. The soldiers came from the Castle and had taken Princess Zelda, the priest told Link with his dying breath. Fueled by anger, Link stormed the Castle. He fought through dozens of Knights, all the way to the highest tower, where Agahnim’s chamber was. He arrived just in time to see Agahnim send Zelda to the Sacred Realm.

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“I’ve done it! My master can rule forever now!” Agahnim cackled with joy. Then, turning his attention to Link, gleefully engaged him in combat. He launched a ball of pure mystic energy at Link, but was shocked when Link struck it with the Master Sword, reflecting it’s evil magic back at him. Knowing he was defeated, Agahnim, laughed, and used his energy to draw both of them into the Sacred Realm.

Link awoke on top of a great golden pyramid, where the Castle used to be. Looking around, he noted that as he had seen before, the world had become a dark, disturbing version of itself. Sahasralah, using telepathy much like Zelda, contacted Link and told him that he was now standing in what had been the Sacred Realm, and could now be called The Dark World. He told Link that Ganon’s Dark World was connected to the Hyrule Castle gate, and evil energy was drawing people into the Dark World. If Link could recover the seven maidens, perhaps they would have an answer.

map-dark-world.jpg
The Dark World, formerly the Sacred Realm, was a dark reflection of Hyrule and the evil in Ganon’s heart. Major differences include the desert now being a swamp, Kakariko Village now being inhabited by thieves, The Lost Woods now being a graveyard for giant beasts, and the Hyrule Castle is replaced by a golden pyramid.

On instinct, Link traveled to where the Eastern Palace had been. There he battled through a totally different dungeon than he had faced in the Light World, but nonetheless prevailed. To his joy, one of the maidens had been trapped in there. She directed Link to the locations where he could find the remaining girls, and thus began the second part of Link’s quest: piecing together the informations the maidens (still trapped in their crystal prisons which had the unintended effect of protecting them from the shape shifting effects of the Dark World; Link, on the other hand, was protected by the Moon Pearl) to determine where the others were and saving them. Finally, after many trials, he saved Princess Zelda from the Turtle Rock Dungeon on Death Mountain. The maidens led him to Ganon’s Tower, a giant construct where the Tower of Hera had been. Using their magic, the maidens broke the seal on the Tower, and Link entered. Link battled tirelessly through the massive monument to evil, facing foes old and new alike. In the final room, he was shocked to see Agahnim, who Link defeated once again.

It is worth noting that Agahnim was a key part of Ganon’s plan, but he was uncertain what would happen when his servant entered the Dark World. He worried that the realm would change Agahnim back to the innocent child he had been. With the immeasurable power he had gained since his father led him to Death Mountain hundreds of years before, Agahnim could possibly stand up to Ganon. Thus, the moment Agahnim entered the Dark World, Ganon possessed his body, guiding his moves. Ganon maintained his control over Agahnim until the moment just before he was struck by a ball of dark force, reflected back by Link.

Agahnim’s body was seemingly ripped apart by the force of the magic. From his corpse, smoke began to rise which eventually took the form of bats. Link was stunned as the bats formed one giant bat and crashed out the window. From the window, Link watched as the bat flew toward the pyramid. Shortly afterwards, the highest level of the pyramid seemed to explode. Link made his way there, and prepared for the ultimate battle.

ganon.PNG
Link during his battle with Ganon. The pig-like form Ganon assumes here is at this point his true form, his humanity having been long lost. The trident Ganon is seen wielding is an ancient weapon. The story of how he came to acquire that weapon is told in Zelda: Four Sword Adventures.

Inside the pyramid, Link came face to face with Ganon. Ganon told Link that he was all powerful, and would soon rule both worlds. Link, attempting to stall his massive foe, asked if he possessed the Triforce, why did he not already rule the world? “The answer is simple, young fool,” laughed Ganon. “I do not wish to conquer Hyrule through magic. My victory will be sweeter by force. I will amass my forces here and launch an invasion of your pathetic Hyrule. The soil will be stained forever with blood and I will rule both realms for all eternity!” Link attacked Ganon in anger, but he was clumsy and unfocused. Ganon easily grasped his foe, and hurled him off the platform, down to the pit below.

Link should have perished in that great fall, but instead he awoke in a golden room with a pool of water before him. As he approached the pool a rotund, ugly fairy appeared. “You must be the descendant of the Hero of Time,” she said. “I am Navi the fairy. Long ago I fought alongside your ancestor, and now I shall aid you, young Hero.” Navi took Link’s arrows and infused them with magic power. “Now you have the power to defeat Ganon,” she explained. “I did not always look like this. It was the corruption of the Triforce and this land that distorted my looks and took away most of my power. But you can fix this, O Hero. You can use the magic in those arrows to light our darkest hour. Indeed, you are the Hero of the Triforce. The love in your heart will shape the power of the Gods into an instrument of peace.” With that, Navi disappeared, and Link immediately left to face Ganon again.

This time, Link remembered the lessons of his uncle, and fought calmly against his opponent who became more and more reckless as the battle raged on. Soon, he was able to get close enough to strike Ganon with the Master Sword, stunning him. In that moment, Link fired a Sliver arrow which struck Ganon between the eyes, killing him.

In the next room, Link found the Triforce waiting for its new master. He grasped the mystical totem in his hands and felt a wave of power rush through him. The words of Navi echoed in his mind “The love in your heart will shape the power of the Gods into an instrument of peace.” He felt his heart swell and Link lost consciousness.

Link was surprised to wake up back in his own bed. Had it all been a dream? “You look as though you’ve seen enough adventure to last you for an eternity,” laughed his uncle Error. Link leapt out of bed and hugged his uncle. Together they travelled to Hyrule Castle and met with Princess Zelda. Zelda explained to Link that he had been successful. He had defeated Ganon, and the wishes in his pure heart had restored Hyrule to the peace they had known before Agahnim’s treachery. Many who had perished during the battles were restored to life, and all appeared to be well.

Unfortunately, that was not the case. Link’s wish in his heart had been simply for things to “return the way they were, before all this.” This wish, in its innocence, had the unforeseen side effect of resurrecting Ganon’s spirit in the once-again shapeless Sacred Realm. He was severely weakened, however, and it would take him many centuries before he would be able to spread his evil influence over Hyrule again.

In the meantime, Hyrule attempted to move on. With the Hyrule ravaged by millenniums of war, the people moved north of Death Mountain. With this, what had previously been known simply as Hyrule was now known as South Hyrule. A new castle was built for the Royal Family called the Northern Palace. Then, as the population boomed in a time of peace, many new towns were founded. Taking their cue from the Book of Modura, the towns were largely named for the Sages of legend. As prosperity reigned, the people of Hyrule lived peacefully. As for Link and his uncle, they settled into the new town of Ruto, and lived happily in obscurity for the rest of their lives.

No Comments! =( Put those fingers to the keys!

Code Project Alpha

Woah, time sure flew by! Looks like my 6 months worth of post-dated articles ran out a month earlier than I had anticipated. Sorry about that folks.

So what has kept me so busy that I’ve only been able to delete spam from the blog?

I’ve been working on a top-secret coding project that I recently finished the first version of. Almost an entire month of solid code work! It’s a vendor/server script that interoperates with the Second Life game world to allow people to buy and sell products. It’s my first ‘product’ I’m looking to sell in the online world, and actually has potential to make me money (I’m predicting by the time I release version 30 or 40 or so).

In other news, our old friend Beaton has been getting increasingly more popular in her lust for power. I think she’s winning hearts of adoring fans and kissing babies and probably sacrificing kittens on altars or something. She’s up to 800 subscribers or so, I hear?

So what is the haps, my peeps

3 comments : D to 'Code Project Alpha'

  1. on February 12th, 2008 at 8:40 pm #

    Iride Daley said,

    Finally, weasel uses his nerd power for the good of nerdkind!

  2. on February 12th, 2008 at 10:55 pm #

    Hawkeye said,

    Actaully, Beaton is drawing readers to her site by promising an exchange of awkward, sexually tense e-mails with every gangly nerd who signs up. I hear she has a focus group now. Good for her.

    Do any of us on here actually use Second Life? Weas, I’m assuming you do, since you’re writing programs for it. Is it anything worthwhile, or just myspace/facebook with more graphics?

  3. on February 13th, 2008 at 4:16 am #

    weasel said,

    Well, it’s free, so hooray for that.

    I don’t really call it a ‘game’ as much as a ‘community.’ It’s like IRC with graphics in a sense - it’s only as good as the people you hang out with there.

    Thankfully there’s way more ‘things to do’ (all user-created) and way more ‘rooms’ than an IRC server has. There’s a niche for everything, from porn appreciation to applied physics.

    What turns my crank though is the user created content. I can wander around and look at the massive actually-flyable airships and gawk at how amazingly well put together it is, not only aesthetically but scripted too.

    SL developers are also uninvolved in pretty much everything - the only “rules” are:

    - no mature content for minors
    - no banks allowed in game (decreed just last week after two big ones just shut their doors and walked away)
    - no gambling (US laws interefered there)

    Another drawing feature to the program is that real dollars are freely convertable to/from in-game dollars. I made a few basic costumes and went to “themed” dances and have won about $100 so far. Sure it took about 6 months to raise that much but *shrug* better than paying FOR a game :P

Put those fingers to the keys!

Deep breath.

Stop whatever you’re doing, sit back and enjoy.

4 comments : D to 'Deep breath.'

  1. on February 10th, 2008 at 8:30 pm #

    Iride Daley said,

    Really? …I guess I’m just not a fan.

  2. on February 10th, 2008 at 10:51 pm #

    Hawkeye said,

    Opinions are like snowflakes, my friend. Some of them are made of yellow snow.

    Seriously though, he’s not for everyone. On some level I probably like that about him. His stuff really resonates with me, from the early lounge stuff to the crazy-old-man-thinking-about-death stuff.

  3. on February 12th, 2008 at 1:44 pm #

    weasel said,

    What’s wrong with his throat, and what’s up with the random subtitles? Or is he actually singing about hotodogs?

    I appreciate the music though. I’ve always had something against unintelligable lyrics.

  4. on February 12th, 2008 at 11:09 pm #

    Hawkeye said,

    His throat is his trademark. Best descriptions I’ve heard for his voice are “a worn out shoe,” “cookie monster in love,” “death itself,” and “a bloodhound.”

    The subtitles are because it’s a medley of two songs. He’s singing about the atmosphere in a greasy spoon diner, so yeah, he’s singing about sausages.

    However, his voice is rougher than usual on this live take. You’d probably enjoy the studio takes of them, it’s a lot easier to understand what he’s singing. I don’t know, I’ve been listening to him for years, so it all makes sense to me.

Put those fingers to the keys!

A no-brainer

This week, The Fifth Estate, CBC’s documentary program, showed a doc called Fight to the Death, dealing with Chris Benoit and death in the wrestling industry. The documentary was well made, dealt with difficult subject matter in a classy way, and delivered a severe kick straight into the sweaty gonads of Nancy Grace, Geraldo Rivera, Bill O’Reilly, and all the other hype-news, fact-less blowhards that seem so common on American television.

You can watch the doc when it re-airs tomorrow night, or just watch it online here if you want to watch it before reading this.

The documentary covers Benoit’s life, the changing landscape of the wrestling industry and the long-term effects life on the road has had on a number of wrestlers. It delivered a clear, sensible conclusion after careful consideration. The same could not be said about all news outlets.

When the story first broke last year, steroids were the easiest and, as my old journalism prof would have described it, the sexiest explanation. Blaming something like this on ‘roid rage is a really easy out, it requires no research, but sounds so good. “ROID RAGE. Goddamn that’s catchy!” And it was clear that the tabloid news shows did very little research.


Between angrily yelling speculation in a shrill, authoritative tone and assuming the guilt of accused rapists long before facts are clear, Nancy Grace enjoys gardening, macrame and witchcraft.

Nancy Grace speculated that Benoit might have been upset that he had gone from the prestigious Four Horsemen (a group of wrestlers in WCW, which hadn’t existed since 1999) all the way down to Monday Night Raw (the highest rated wrestling program ever on television, which Benoit hadn’t appeared on since 2005). The blank stare on Bret Hart’s face in response to this was the lone highlight of the show.

070406_rivera_hmed_12phmedium.jpg
Geraldo Rivera is a spectacular douchebag by all standards of journalistic integrity. Within the mustache growing community, however, he has risen to the rank of “Grand Wizard, Level 12.”

Geraldo went one better and even talked about how the Atlanta police may have been looking at it as a triple or quadruple murder-suicide (a truly ridiculous statement unless Rivera himself discovered two bodies he hasn’t told anyone about, or that he considered Benoit to have murdered his wife and son twice). He also showed no knowledge whatsoever about steroids, describing them as a substitute to working out, as if using steroids and sitting around eating Cheetos for the next month would result in a Herculean physique.

Anyway, Fighting to the Death is a very effective sober second thought to the Benoit issue. With ‘roid rage having been dismissed, they dive into the Sport’s Legacy Institute’s investigation into Benoit and their investigation into concussions in sports. It’s fascinating reading that makes me fear for the family of Mick Foley.

It’s clear based on what the wrestlers who knew Benoit are saying in their interviews, they don’t believe the man they knew was capable of it. Jake Roberts sums his feelings up quite clearly, saying that when he dies, if God or the Devil tell him that Chris Benoit (the man he knew, before brain damage and dementia) did those horrible things, “I’ll call them a damn liar.”

Here are my minor factual nitpicks with the documentary-

-Chris Nowinski, a former wrestler who now works with the Sports Legacy Institute, did not wrestle under the name Chris Harvard in the WWE.
-The Junkyard Dog’s death was not believed to be a result of drug problems. JYD (real name Sylvester Ritter) fell asleep at the wheel on his way back from his daughter’s highschool graduation.
-The WWE has not outlawed chair shots to the head since Benoit’s death. For example, Chris Jericho drilled JBL with a chair at the Royal Rumble.

These are minor factual inconsistencies. If you compare that to the gross distortions of fact and outright ignorance shown by tabloid journalism programs in the aftermath of Benoit’s death, it’s ridiculous. It would be funny if it didn’t make me so sick.

These shows simply skimmed over the facts at the time and ran forwards with the easiest and most sensationalized version of the story they could concoct.

As a wrestling fan, this pisses me off. As a journalist, however, it turns my fucking stomach. Every story I write, I research as much as I can. My livelihood depends on presenting facts. Repeat, FACTS. To hell with my livelihood, my ability to look at myself in the mirror and not be disgusted at what I see depends on it. I wonder how long it’s been since Grace, Rivera, Hannity, Colmes or any of these jackals looked in a mirror.

Thanks, The Fifth Estate for providing responsible content. Thank you for broadcasting content I can be proud of. Thank you for making the decision of what channel I watch, and which one I disregard, a no-brainer.

5 comments : D to 'A no-brainer'

  1. on February 10th, 2008 at 5:57 pm #

    Iride Daley said,

    Well done in terms of the Nancy Grace and Geraldo commentary, my one beef is with the Duke rape case. In the end, the prosecutors obviously were unable to prove that any one of the accused had actually raped the woman, so yes, Nancy was not justified in assuming their guilt in that situation (Although their being acquitted still does not convince me of their objective innocence, like O.J.).

    The thing that bothers me about the situation is the amount of sympathy that these assholes got in the media afterwards (especially when they made it to the NCAA lacrosse finals last year). Regardless of whether or not they actually raped the woman, the prosecutors WERE successful in revealing emails and other evidence that proved that the guys involved were fucking assholes and/or racist pricks. Regardless of whether or not they were actually rapists, people like that deserve to be slandered in public and treated like criminals.

  2. on February 10th, 2008 at 11:23 pm #

    Hawkeye said,

    Fair enough, but being a fucking asshole isn’t against the law (unless Proposition 402 passes, and we all pray it does).

    I don’t think it’s like O.J. at all, cause there it was pretty open and shut, but was saved by legal trickery. This one didn’t really have any solid evidence that they did it. Rape is a far different case legally than murder, because before you can charge someone for doing something, you have to prove it happened. With murder, you’ve usually got a body for that. With rape, you have to be able to prove it happened, and there wasn’t enough evidence. No DNA, no real signs of rape, the “victim” had motive to frame them (they got in a fight with them because they wanted white strippers but got black and half-Asian instead).

    Aside from all that though, it’s just not their place to judge the case. They don’t have to talk about them like their angels and pull punches when discussing facts, but they can’t just verbally convict them on air. These kind of shows didn’t do that with O.J., or at least not that I remember. They left that to people who are in a position to; the Lettermans, O’Briens and Norm MacDonalds of the world. I loved Norm MacDonald on Weekend Update after the O.J. trial. “Well, it’s official. Murder is legal in the state of California.”

    The difference is a journalistic responsibility Nancy et al should hold themselves to. Racist dipshits get framed sometimes too.

  3. on February 12th, 2008 at 11:03 am #

    weasel said,

    Not to derail or anything, but what WAS the “legal trickery” on the OJ trial? Sure I think he’s batshit insane but I haven’t heard any compelling reason why I shouldn’t trust the jury on that one.

    Speaking of Journalistic Responsibility, I think the way people on the air say, with a blood curdling chill, “Charged… WITH MURDER.” I’ll bet if grabbed 20 people off the street and said “OH MY GOD THAT GUY’S CHARGED WITH MURDER” they would all think he actually did it.

    We shouldn’t allow any discussion of ongoing trials until a verdict has been issued… because there’s always a way to sway public opinion no matter how you tone down the language.

  4. on February 12th, 2008 at 7:12 pm #

    Iride Daley said,

    I can’t believe that you haven’t heard of Johnnie Cochran’s (sp?) most famous defense:

    “Ladies and gentleman of the jury, this is Chewbacca…”

    O.J. was acquitted because Chewbacca is an 8 foot tall Wookie that hangs out with a bunch of 3 foot tall Ewoks and therefore does not make sense.

  5. on February 12th, 2008 at 11:04 pm #

    Hawkeye said,

    I always felt that the physical evidence pointed pretty clearly to him having done it. The legal trickery was the racist cop angle. While I’m sure Fuhrman is a complete douchebag, there’s no reasonable proof he did anything to the crime scene. There’s plenty of proof he’s an asshole, but nothing about crime scene tampering.

    And besides all that, “If I Did It.” Nuff said.

Put those fingers to the keys!

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