Wrestlemania was Sunday night, and was actually one of the more enjoyable shows I’ve seen recently.

The seven man ladder match was epic. There were some insane spots and some extremely creative uses of the ladders (i.e. locking two ladders together, and working it like a demented see-saw). All seven guys looked like they were going to win at one time or another, which is something you can’t always say about a match with this many guys in it.

Shawn Michaels beat Ric Flair to retire him in an extremely emotional match. The story was that Michaels didn’t want to retire his childhood idol, and it played perfectly. This match takes the early lead as the match of the year.

Boxer Floyd Mayweather turned in a surprisingly watchable performance against the Big Show. I wasn’t expecting much here, but it was a fairly entertaining match. This could have been much much worse.

Randy Orton retained the WWE title, which may have been the highlight for me. I have no interest in seeing Triple H or Cena as champ, but those seemed like much better bets for the winner (hell, in a text message poll they conducted, only 8% of people thought Orton would win). Orton held onto his gold, and had a pretty damn good match in doing so.

Undertaker won the World Title for the second year in a row, in the main event. Good match with a good finish, that sent the fans home happy.

The other matches on the card were of less importance, but nothing was downright unwatchable.

Random thoughts-
-Apparently some people were burned by some of the pyro at the show. Lawsuits away!
-Speaking of which, Undertaker seems to have stolen the fire from Kane’s intro
-I continue to be confused as to whether or not I’m attracted to Beth Phoenix. Sometimes she looks great, other times not.
-Chavo Guerrero was made to look like crap, but it probably bought a few more minutes for Flair-Michaels, so I’ve no complaints.
-John Cena had a marching band play his entrance music. Cute idea, but it’s a little unwieldy in practice.
-Johnathan Coachman is a terrible commentator. Please retire again, JBL.
-The storyline from last year’s mania of “girl(s) in Playboy” vs. “girl(s) not in Playboy” continued this year. Slightly better match than last year’s.

Overall, Wrestlemania is the only pay-per-view I’ll actually order for the most part, and I believe my money was well spent. Good times.

Hyrule during the time frame of the original Legend of Zelda and Zelda II. The original game’s story takes place in the southern part of Hyrule, which had been abandoned after the events of Link to the Past. Zelda II takes place in the northern part, where many new towns were settled.

After Link defeated Ganon in the Dark World, and claimed the Triforce, he reversed many of the disasters Ganon had brought upon Hyrule. When everything was returned to the way it had been before (with Ganon’s spirit imprisoned in the Sacred Realm), it was only a matter of time before Ganon would regain enough power to mount another scheme. This displeased the Goddesses.

The Three Goddesses who created the universe conspired to change the rules of the Triforce in this era. It is unknown how many events they directly manipulated in the history of Hyrule.

The three Goddesses had created the universe to watch and enjoy the drama and fascinating goings on of mortal existence. They had created life for their own amusement, and they had been were thrilled to see such perfect embodiments of Power, Wisdom and Courage clash. Ganon simply being able to repeat his previous scheme would be redundant. So, it was decided that the Triforce would be broken again, so that pieces of it could be hidden elsewhere. As it had happened in the past, the Goddesses bestowed the Triforce on those who best represented it’s qualities.

The mark of the Triforce, as it appeared on the hands of Link, Ganon and Princess Zelda. These marks were symbolic of their embodiment of the qualities of the Triforce.

Princess Zelda (who had helped Link IV defeat Ganon) noticed the mark of the Triforce appear on her hand one day. Understanding its significance, she dedicated herself to amassing as much wisdom as she could. As she aged and became a mother, Zelda was very pleased one day, to see that the mark had disappeared from her hand, and appeared on he daughter’s hand. For hundreds of years, generations of Princess Zelda all bore the Triforce marking on their hand, and each generation passed its wisdom onto the next.

There is a world of difference between wisdom and knowledge, however. Though he lacked wisdom (his capability for such thought clouded by rage), Ganon possessed even more knowledge of the Triforce than Princess Zelda. As he expected, the Triforce of Power passed to him. This would mean that he could use it’s power to resurrect himself. However, if he wanted a physical form it would cost him.

He knew that he was able to maintain his connection with Death Mountain because of the remnants of his physical form in the mountain. If he returned to life, it would be an anomaly for him to exist physically in two places at once. If he returned to life now, he would never be able to leave the mountain, and would be more vulnerable to death than ever before. So, Ganon waited.

As for the Triforce of Courage, while Link IV awoke with the mark on his hand, he gave it little thought. As with all the previous incarnations of the legendary Hero, after their adventures were over Link IV and his uncle Error disappeared happily into obscurity. And, also like the previous Heroes, they said little of their past to their families. No one who lived with them in the Town of Ruto had any idea that they were neighbors with legendary figures.

Link died an old man, at home with his family. His family were surprised to see the mark on his hand disappear after his death, but thought little of it.

When the people of Hyrule abandoned the part of Hyrule south of Death Mountain, it was very symbolic. Leaving the land where so much suffering had been endured, they claimed a new territory, and evolved rapidly. Hyrulian politics were more advanced than ever, with the great number of towns. Though all the towns had their own mayors (and elders to advise them) and were independent to a point, they were still loyal to the Royal Family. Trade routes opened between the towns, and the population began to boom. Hyrule had entered a new era of prosperity.

Daily life was much more peaceful for residents of Hyrule in the 6000s. The establishment of many towns around the northern continent made travel easier and provided much more safety.

A handful of stubborn families refused to leave the south. Scattered about in caves and in the various temples and dungeons, these people eventually became societies of hermits. Oddly enough, they still clung to the use of rupees as currency, though they had little use other than buying things from other hermit societies. Certain forms of wildlife, like Tektites, Leevers and Octoroks flourished in the now abandoned part of Hyrule.

Certain wildlife like the Octoroks, seen here, appeared in much higher numbers in Southern Hyrule. This was another reason that the people who remained in the south were so reclusive.

One day, an emissary from The Kingdom of Calatia appeared.

Calatia was a kingdom far to the west of Hyrule, long past the deserts of the Gerudo. In fact, centuries earlier, some of the Gerudo fled Ganon’s rule and integrated themselves into Calatian society. Calatia had a similarly war town past, though it was due to the simple greed and ignorance rather than the influence of an evil force like Ganon. After many centuries of war, their land was finally united under one kingdom and they had entered a new era of peace.

One of the King’s advisers was a descendant of the Gerudo. With this new peace, she felt that the people may be ready to know that they were not the only ones in the land, and she told the King of their Eastern neighbors. The King, excited to encounter a new civilization (who could possibly become a trading partner), immediately sent representatives to seek out Hyrule.

Unfortunately, neither the King of Calatia, nor his advisers, knew anything of Ganon’s connection with Death Mountain, and the Calatian messengers travelled through the mountains. Hyrule’s royal family had declared Death Mountain totally off limits, and had in fact been considering plans to destroy the very mountain itself. Ganon was able to corrupt the messengers of Calatia, and began rebuilding his armies. Calatia, for their part, unwittingly provided Ganon with more and more soldiers, as they continued to send people to try and find out what had happened (a grim echo of Ganon’s previous army; representatives of the King of Hyrule looking for signs of the Gorons).

Ganon’s magic had become very dark by this time. He began to use sacrifice to power his spells. He reasoned that if he could sever the bloodline of Princess Zelda and claim the Triforce of Wisdom, he would be able to resurrect himself without restriction. Then he would be free to use all manner of savagery in locating the Triforce of Power.

So, he sent corrupted Calatian messengers to the Northern Palace. The members of the Calatian caravan assaulted the Royal Family in their throne room, beheading Queen Zelda. The Knights of Hyrule were able to intervene and save the King and the Princess, however. The King had the Calatians put to death and declared war on Calatia. In a cruel twist, Ganon released those who were captured from his power after their arrest. They spent their last hours in terror, being tortured by vengeful guards followed by a horrific public execution.

Princess Zelda likely would have attempted to interfere and prevent the executions or the declaration of war, but she was not there. After her mother’s death, Zelda’s instincts told her their attackers were after the Triforce of Wisdom. She enacted a rite which would bring it into physical form (in many ways, a similar spell to the ones cast by Ganon to return himself to life). The mark that had appeared on her hand a few hours earlier now disappeared. Then, she shattered it into eight pieces. With Impa, the last surviving Sheikah and her confidant, Zelda immediately set out for Southern Hyrule. She traveled to eight temples which she knew of from her studies of the Book of Modura. She hid a piece of the Triforce of Wisdom in each of them.

As they left the final temple, Ganon’s forces found them. Zelda and Impa split up, and Zelda was quickly captured. Zelda was brought back to Death Mountain, and Ganon’s minions prepared to sacrifice her. Something felt wrong though, Ganon thought. Quickly, it was discovered that Zelda had no marking on her hand. A Wizzrobe (the term Wizzrobe refers to practitioners of a specific discipline of black magic: a fringe cult of the Gerudo, fiercely loyal to Ganondorf) suggested that this may be a decoy princess, but Ganon knew otherwise. He knew that Zelda had brought the Triforce back into the physical realm.

The temples seemed like the most likely places for Zelda to have hidden the pieces, and Ganon immediately dispatched his armies to search the them. His warriors could not find the pieces, however. The ancient temples (all having been previously used to hold spiritual stones, goddess pearls and other treasures) were labyrinths. Ganon wasn’t sure if his warriors would ever find the Triforce pieces.

Ganon’s forces search the second dungeon for the Triforce piece. Though Link was able to solve the mysteries of the ancient temple, Ganon’s minions lacked the mental capacity to do so. A giant Dodongo awaits in the room before the Triforce, but the capacity to open the door is beyond it.

Even under torture, Zelda refused to give up where she had hidden the pieces in the temples. Frustrated, Ganon sent his forces to capture Impa. Then, even if Impa would not tell them where the pieces were hidden, the threat of her torture and death would be a powerful bargaining chip against Zelda. For weeks, his forces searched, finally capturing Impa in the south. A cunning old woman, she escaped shortly after her capture, and Ganon’s men split up to try and find her.

When one of Ganon’s soldiers finally recaptured her, he chained her to a tree, then drew his sword. “I’m not going through that again, witch!” Impa’s eyes widened as she saw the soldier was preparing to cut her foot off! Just as he was about to swing, however, as if from nowhere, a large rock hit the soldier in the head, killing him.

“Are you alright?” asked a young boy dressed in green.

A young boy dressed in green appears and saves Impa from Ganon’s forces.

The boy helped unchain Impa, and she led him to a nearby cave. “We’ll be safe here,” said Impa, more to herself than to the young boy. Deep in the cave, between two torches, sat an old man in a dirty red robe. The old man welcomed them, and offered the young boy food. He also noticed that the boy seemed to be very tired, and offered him his bed for a few hours while he and Impa talked. The old man was a friend of Impa’s. While the young boy slept, Impa told her friend of what had happened to Queen Zelda, and then Princess Zelda. Hours later, the young boy awoke to find Impa sitting next to the bed. After he’d eaten again, she asked him to tell her about himself.

His name was Link, he said (as always, for ease of differentiation, we can refer to this Link as Link V). His father was a Calatian Knight, and his family had been ambushed during their travels to the East. Link had fled into the woods while his family was murdered by bandits (followers of Ganon, though he did not know it). He had been traveling across the land for months, and had learned to survive on his own, though he did not know where he was. The young boy rubbed his eyes, and for the first time, Impa noticed the mark of the Triforce on his hand.

Impa told Link he was destined for great things, and that he had come to this land for a reason. That reason was to save the Princess Zelda and return peace. The fate of not only this land, she said, but also Calatia was at stake. Link was eager to help. The old man then appeared and presented Link with a wooden sword and shield. The shield was simple, with a small crest, the sword was lightweight and sharpened to a very fine point.

The Old Man gives Link his sword. Other old men would give Link plenty of nonsense advice that resulted from poor translations, such as “Dodongo dislikes smoke” and “There are secrets where fairies don’t live.”

With that, Link V set out an epic journey, locating temples that had been hidden for ages, locating magical artifacts that had been used by previous heroes, including the Master Sword. He defeated Ganon’s forces that were searching the temples, and destroyed many great beasts such as the dinosaur-like Dodongos, and the giant parasitic spider Ghoma. When he had finally located all the pieces of the Triforce of Wisdom, Link then set out for Death Mountain.

Because he was the vessel of the Triforce of Courage, Death Mountain’s magic would hold no power over him. Link found the entrance to Ganon’s dungeon (which had been built around where the Tower of Hera had collapsed into the mountain) in the area known as Spectacle Rock, and entered. Deep within the huge maze, Link found a secret room which even Ganon did not know about. It was in fact, the remnants of the fairy fountain which had been a part of Death Mountain centuries earlier. There, Navi, Queen of the Fairies, gave Link the sacred Silver Arrows, which she promised would finally bring peace to the world.

In frustration over Link continuing to defeat his most powerful forces, Ganon chose to play his hand and return to physical form. “You will not survive this, boy,” he snarled as Link entered the penultimate chamber of the dungeon. The pig-like, bestial Ganon attacked Link with all his fury, for he knew this might be his last chance to finally conquer Hyrule and make it his own. Millenniums of anger and frustration at his grand plans having been foiled over and over again by mere children came out in each swing of his massive blade. When Link was able to evade his every attack, he cried out in frustration and fazed out of vision. Ganon had used his black magic to turn himself invisible, and would now be able to strike the final blow. Still, Link avoided his attacks, relying purely on the instincts of the Hero. Again, Ganon cried out in anger. Hearing Ganon’s cry, Link slashed with the Master Sword in the direction of the voice without thinking. The legendary blade cut a huge wound across Ganon’s chest, and he stumbled backwards, stunned, becoming visible once again. Ganon stared in disbelief at his blood, spilling on the ground and staining his hands, and looked up to see Link readying a Silver Arrow on his bow. Before he could react, Link let the arrow fly.

Link stabs Ganon in the final battle, rendering him vulnerable to attack with the Silver Arrows.

The Silver Arrows were powerful artifacts, blessed by the goddesses, and the most powerful fairies throughout history. When their holy tip pierced Ganon’s skin, his body burst into flames. Without screaming, Ganon staggered, collapsed and died.

The sacred fire burned quickly, with only Ganon’s ashes, and the Triforce of Power remaining. Link took the second Triforce and in the final room, found Princess Zelda. Zelda, with a proud smile said “Thank you, Link” though he had not told her his name. Zelda took his hand, and proclaimed Link to be the Hero of Hyrule, the final Legendary Hero.

The two immediately returned to the Northern Palace. The King, upon hearing that Link, a Calatian, had saved his daughter, and that those who had assassinated the Queen had been under Ganon’s power, he called off the planned assault on Calatia.

The Hyrulian people mourned their Queen, particularly Princess Zelda who only now allowed herself to deal with her grief. Without the specter of war, a massive public funeral was held in her honor, and the King told the people that “the best way we can honor her memory is to live in peace.” To that end, the King sent an envoy of his own, led by Link, to meet with the King of Calatia and send his regrets over the deaths of his messengers, as well as extend his hand in friendship. In time Hyrule and Calatia would share a very amiable relationship as they exchanged technology and worked together.

Link, however, having no family left in Calatia, felt compelled to return to Hyrule five years later. He was reunited with Princess Zelda, and though they were eager to spend some time together they would be little time to be wasted. “Something troubles me,” confided Zelda. “You are the vessel of the Triforce of Courage. When we collected the Triforces of Wisdom and Power, the Triforce should have reunited. Why did that not happen?”

They brought this question to Impa, who shared with them a long guarded secret. “It is a tale we servants of the royal family refer to as The Legend of Zelda.” It was a story from long before Northern Hyrule, or the Great Cataclysm, or ever the appearance of Ganon himself, near the beginning of the original wars with the Zoras and Gorons over the Triforce. The Royal Family at that time had two children. The Princess was beautiful, kind and wise and was greatly loved by the people. The Prince, however, was mean tempered and fueled by greed. The Prince was known for angry outbursts and terrible abuses of his power. The Prince discovered that his sister knew the location of the Triforce and the Sacred Realm. He confronted her, but she refused to tell him. Angry, he threatened her, claiming it was for the good of the people, though he only wanted the Triforce for himself. Again, she refused him.

The Prince sought the council of his adviser, a mage. Little did he know, the mage was actually a most powerful evil Wizzrobe. The mage came with the Prince to confront the Princess again and threatened to place a spell that would put her to sleep forever if she did not reveal the location of the Triforce. For a third time she refused, and the mage revealed his true form and cast his spell. The Princess fell to the ground and never woke again. The Prince, now grief stricken, screamed at the Wizzrobe to reverse the spell, but the old wizard merely laughed, and then fell over dead himself. (A detail unknown to Impa is that before his death, he had two pupils: another Wizzrobe named Carock who was still alive thousands of years later, and a young Ganondorf).

The Prince, driven mad with guilt, took his own life. The King, in his sorrow at having lost both his children, placed the Princess’ body in a secret room deep below Hyrule Castle. To ensure that this tragedy would never be forgotten, he decreed that all daughters of the Royal Family from then on take the same name as his daughter: Zelda.

The King visited his daughter’s sleeping form three times before sealing the room up, and hiding it for all time. On his final visit, he noticed an inscription on a pedestal near her, that had not been there previously. “Where there is a vessel, but Courage is absent, therein lies awakening.”

After hearing Impa’s story, Zelda was adamant: “we must search the ruins of old Hyrule Castle and locate my ancestor.” Soon, Link, Zelda and a dispatch of Knights of Hyrule searched long throughout the ruins of the castle. By chance, Link discovered a secret passageway behind the throne that led them to the hidden chamber. In a glass case, there lay the original Princess Zelda, as beautiful as she had been 6000 years previous. In the same room, Link found a chest which held six crystals and a scroll. The scroll was a prophecy, that spoke of a great Hero who would place the crystals in six statues within ancient temples, breaking the seal that keeps the Great Palace hidden. Within the Great Palace, the Hero would fulfill his destiny. Inspired, Link set off to find the six ancient statues, and save Zelda once and for all.

The six Palaces were actually ancient sites of the Wizzrobes. Long before Hyrule extended its borders to the north, Wizzrobes had erected their temples as a means of channeling magic energy far away from any interference. The mystical statues acted as a form of magical antenna to focus the natural magical energy of the world. The crystals Link intended to place in the statues were forged by combining the elements of the Spiritual Stones that once acted as a lock on the Master Sword and the Sacred Realm. If Link could place them in the crystals in the statues, they would be rendered harmless.

Meanwhile, Carock the Wizzrobe, still loyal to Ganon, decided the time had come for vengeance. Carock had discovered that there was a chance to revive Ganon, if they could sacrifice Link and pour his blood over Ganon’s ashes. Carock unleashed the remaining armies of Ganon across the land, determined to track down and kill Link.

After visiting nearby towns for information, including a chance meeting with a man named Error, a descendant of The Hero of the Triforce, Link departed for the nearby desert. A contingent of Ganon’s forces, led by the abomination known as Horsehead, followed Link to Parapa Palace, and ambushed him inside. Link battled through and placed the crystal in the statue, which shuddered with a great glowing energy. The vibration of the statue intensified, and Link fled the Temple. Just moments after Link escaped, the Temple collapsed on itself.

Link places the crystal in the eye of the ancient statue.

At that instant, Carock cried out in pain, and dropped to one knee as a portion of his power left him. In many ways, Link defeated Carock at this moment. Losing some of his power caused Carock to second guess himself. He hesitated to enter the fray himself, and by the time he confronted Link at the Maze Island Palace, he had already lost half of his power. Using a reflect spell a village elder had taught him, Link easily defeated Carock.

With Carock’s defeat, Ganon’s followers faltered. Though they continued to pursue Link, they were disorganized and sloppy. Soon, he had placed the crystals in all six statues, destroying them, and had defeated the remainder of Ganon’s army, once and for all. All that remained was the Great Palace. Searching for the Palace, Link discovered a deserted ghost town called Old Kasuto. In town, he discovered a clue that led him to New Kasuto, hidden deep in the woods. The residents of New Kasuto warned him that shortly after the town had settled, evil spirits had wafted down from the nearby mountain, creating horrific visions of the darkness that hid within their hearts. In terror, they fled.

Many of the later followers of Ganon had only appeared for the first time in Link’s final adventure. The bizarre Horsehead fell to Link’s blade in Parapa Palace, and was never heard from again.

The stories of the townspeople led Link to explore the old Mountain, travelling through what was known as The Path of Fire. When he had scaled to the peak of the mountain, he discovered a massive Palace that had not been visible previously. He knew this was the Great Palace.

A mausoleum of death, the Great Palace was full of lethal traps and deadly monsters. Link endured, however, and battled through, defeating the bizarre magical being Thunderbird. As Thunderbird faded out of existence, Link entered the next room and to his surprise, found the Triforce of Courage. Why had the Triforce manifested itself here, he asked himself. Who had claimed it?

“I did,” came an answer. Link turned and saw no one. He turned back, and he saw a dark version of himself standing in front of the Triforce of Courage. With that, this Shadow of Link attacked. Link struggled to defend himself, and all his own techniques were turned against him. After the Shadow struck a glancing blow to his arm, Link back-flipped away. “You can never defeat me,” a voice in Link’s head said, as blood trickled onto his hand. He glanced at it, and saw the Triforce symbol on his hand glow through a stream of blood. His eyes narrowed.

Link cleared his mind, and focused on his fighting technique. After a stalemate for some time, Link began to see the faults in his own defense and was able to exploit those weaknesses in his opponent. The duel ended decisively when the Shadow attempted a spinning attack and Link was able to extend his sword out. The Shadow’s momentum carried him straight into Link’s blade, and the doppelganger collapsed, fading from existence as mysteriously as it had appeared.

Without wasting a moment, Link claimed the Triforce of Courage. As he did, his head went light and his vision faded to white.

“Congratulations, young hero,” a voice said.
“You have faced the darkness within yourself,” said another.
“The evil that has plagued this land has been vanquished,” a third voice added.
“May you live the your life in peace,” all three voices said together.

Link awoke outside the Great Palace, which had now collapsed on itself like all the others. He set off back for the Northern Palace with the Triforce of Courage in his possession. Once he arrived, Zelda brought the Triforce together, and they wished that the spell on the original Zelda be broken. The Princess opened her eyes, and greeted her saviours.

With the final defeat of Ganon’s forces and the collapse of the evil network of Wizzrobe magic, peace returned to Hyrule once and for all. Zelda I became an advisor to the King and the current Princess Zelda. The bonds of friendship with Calatia were strengthened, and expeditions to discover new lands were commissioned. Link would be the leader of these missions, and had many more adventures. As opposed to the previous generations of heroes, Link V became well known throughout Hyrule. As he travelled the land, he went out of his way to help as many people as possible. In time, he and Princess Zelda grew to have a great affection for one another, and for the first time in all the history of Hyrule, the Hero of Courage and the Princess of Wisdom were able to know each other without a specter of evil and war.

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That is the total of the story, until the next game comes out. Then the fun of trying to find a place for it on the timeline begins. There were also a few other games that I didn’t put into the story, as they didn’t really serve much to advance the story. If you feel like making yourself feel a little crazy though, you can take a look into Link’s Awakening, Four Swords/Four Swords Adventure, Minish Cap and the Oracle games.

Link’s Awakening is a story about Link getting shipwrecked on a mysterious island and having an adventure that may have all been a dream. Because the game had a similar style, and was released immediately afterwards, it’s generally accepted as being the same Link as Link to the Past. I read an interesting theory, however, that the game takes place in the middle of Adventure of Link, the last game in this history. During the game Link sails to Maze Island and Eastern Hyrule, and since there’s no immediate urgency to that storyline (The Princess has been asleep for 7000 years already. She’ll keep) its not too much of a stretch to have him shipwreck and have another quest in the middle.

Four Swords were the only multiplayer Zelda games, and followed Link as he split into four through the creatively named Four Sword. The game is probably around Link to the Past, since Ganon’s appearance is extremely similar in the two games. Some histories point out that this is the first place in the timeline where Ganon used a large pitchfork/trident, though the Phantom Ganon in Ocarina already used a similar weapon.

Minish Cap basically seems to explain why there’s rupees and other things in bushes and jars everywhere in Hyrule. They’re put there by the tiny Picori (also known as Minish) who leave them there to make the world a more magical place. I also read a suggestion that it’s the very first game, because it tells a story about how Link gets the hat that he has in every other game. Not a big fan of that theory. However, it is the only game in which Ganon doesn’t appear, or is at least referenced. I prefer to think it happens during the relative peace between Ganon’s attacks. Perhaps noone speaks Ganon’s name for fear of his return.

Both FS and MC featured Vaati as a villain. Vaati is referred to as a Wind Sage, and was apparently a Minish who was corrupted and used a magic hat to turn himself into a Hyrulian sorcerer. It would be interesting to see a take on Vaati appear in a future Zelda game more in the style of Twilight Princess.

The Oracle games were released simultaneously. Advocates of the parallel timeline theory (with the timeline splitting into two possibilities after Ocarina), claim that the two games take place at the same time, but in different timelines. Aside from my protests against multiple timelines, the games themselves are designed to be played one after another. When you beat one game, a password is given that restructures the other game to serve more as a sequel. Add in the fact that a third game was originally planned, and it seems like even more of a stretch that they are on two different timelines.

I am really pleased to have finally finished the main story of the game. It’s been one hell of an endeavour, but it was fun as well. We’re not done yet, however, as I have one more Zelda article left to come, a look at the evolution of wildlife and monsters throughout the series. As a part of that effort, there will probably be some study of the nomenclature of this fictional world. Soon my friends, you two will know the differences between the Helmasaur King and the Helmaroc King, and what the prefix Stal refers to. It should be fun.

Kill Bill: 3000

Going to Fredericton to look at apartments today, so probably won’t have much time for a blitz. I will tell you, however, that I bought Super Smash Brothers Brawl tonight, and so far it’s pretty kick-ass. There’s just a ton of options, with four player brouhahas, build-a-stage, and everything in between.

Yeah, Sonic and Solid Snake are in this game. Good start, but I’d better damn well see Mega Man, Simon Belmont and at least one Street Fighter character in there before too long. Battletoads would be a great fit.

My only gripe so far was with the online play, which was very laggy. However, we were downloading the classic Seinfeld episode “The Susie,” and Lindsay was watching Big Brother videos online at the same time, so the connection may have suffered due to that. We’ll see if it’s better without any other bandwidth hogs.

The roster seems very solid, though I’m anxious to start unlocking more characters. I got Ness (from Earthbound), but Luigi beat me, so I didn’t get him. I’ve never really played the Smash Brothers games much before this, so I’m still getting used to the controls. It’s not at all like Street Fighter, that’s for sure.

I have no idea if Fox is stomping on the Koopa here, or if he just caught a hammer to the nards. Maybe both.

I might try another configuration, which is one of the best features in the game, I think. You’ve got the choice of playing with the remote and the nunchuck, the remote alone, the classic controller and the gamecube controller. And you can map the buttons on those however you want. A lot of the time, you hear complaints about which button does what in various games (I for one, can’t stomach the default controller setting for Super Metroid or Mega Man X. I need my “dash” button on the right shoulder. I’m weird like that). I’ve never seen a game that had so many options for how you can actually play the game.

And, from what I’ve read, the new Mario Kart game will be the same way, with all those same control options, as well as using the steering wheel peripheral that comes with the game. Online play (a la Mario Kart DS) should be pretty kickass as well.

But, in the midst of this Nintendo love fest, I plan to buy a PS2 in the near future. The plot thickens! Stay tuned.

I’m always suspect of people that promise that a piece of media is “life-changing.” It just seems like a much more pretentious way of saying that you liked it. It’s like saying that something is very enjoyable just isn’t epic or important enough to convey how much you liked it. The other thing that bothers me, is these people rarely actually detail anyway that these things did improve their lives. However, I was thinking about albums, specifically, and how certain music was very helpful or therapeutic during certain points in my life. I believe that an artist or performer (by any standard and in any medium) is a reflection of their influences through the filter of their own experiences. So, with that in mind, here are albums that I believe improved my life.

The Grateful Dead - American Beauty

I first heard this album in grade 7, but I think the story goes back to grade 6. In grade 6, I wasn’t really into music at all, other than a devotion to Weird Al. Some people I knew in school were really heavily into the whole grunge scene at the time, however. I was told extensively that I should be listening to Nirvana and Pearl Jam by a few classmates, but I never heeded their advice. During the summer, however, discovering Weird Al’s “Smells Like Nirvana” led me to trying out Nirvana for myself, and I slowly became very obsessed with the band. Cobain had killed himself the year before, I believe, and I was aware of the media frenzy that had caused, though at the time I didn’t understand how it could affect his fans so deeply. By the end of the summer, however, I was a little upset myself that Kurt had killed himself, and was looking forward to getting a chance to talk about it to the grungers I’d known the year before.

Aparently, that was a pretty important summer for them too. All the Nirvana shirts were now replaced with Pink Floyd, Led Zeppelin, Rolling Stones and Grateful Dead t-shirts. I was told that I immediately had to stop listening to that “suicide note garbage” and start listening to “real” musicians. I rejected this notion at first, continuing to listen to Nirvana in secret. One friend, however, insisted upon lending me two albums. First was Dark Side of the Moon by Pink Floyd. Second was American Beauty.

The thing that got me about those albums was the songwriting. It was just so well crafted, so perfectly put together. Kurt Cobain’s gutteral screams just seemed like noise in comparison. This was serious music by seriously talented musicians (though I’ve since come to appreciate Cobain’s songwriting talents as well). My early teenage angst faded somewhat; it wasn’t all just negative energy, a recurring theme here. Through listening to American Beauty, with it’s laid back folky sound, problems that were once insurmountable sources of anger were now something to laugh about. It would all be okay, man.

Those two albums that were lent to me touched off very different listening patterns. Dark Side of the Moon would lead me to other Pink Floyd albums that would touch my life, and would lead me to other bands that shared similar sensibilities. American Beauty led me to listen to more Grateful Dead, and deem that 90% of their catalog was totally unlistenable senseless jam-band garbage. It didn’t, and still doesn’t, impress me very much that they could take 3-4 minutes worth of actual song and turn it into 45 minutes of soloing. American Beauty stands out amongst Dead albums: being largely acoustic, the band is far more restrained and avoids their extended, masturbatory jam sessions. The focus here is the songwriting, and these are songs that stay with me today.

Choice cuts- Box of Rain, Friend of the Devil, Attic of My Life

Pink Floyd - Animals

I was still in a pseudo-hippie mindset when I hit high school. As such, I ended up making friends with the other pseudo-hippies there. But, slowly, I started to realize some harsh discrephencies in what these people said and did. It seemed like half of the “hippies” were just concerned with getting stoned and skipping school, and didn’t have any concept of the social and political consiousness that dominated the 60’s. They just saw it as a cool group to belong to, perhaps because it was the laziest group. The other half of the “hippies” were far more disturbing. At Moncton High School, it seemed like if you hung around with the “hippies” long enough, about half would reveal themselves to be some of the biggest assholes I’ve ever met in my life, they just happened to wear tie-dyed shirts.

I was still grappling with this realization when I went down to the record store at lunch one day and decided to pick up Pink Floyd’s Animals. I knew that Pink Floyd had a dark side (pardon the pun), but at that time I couldn’t get past the self-indulgence of concept works like The Wall. It just seemed to be a lot of whining about “you fucked me up this way, and you fucked me up that way.” I appreciate The Wall now for it’s artistic merits and what I now view as an appealing narrative, but at the time, it didn’t do it for me.

Animals is a whole different breed. The album was dealing with human issues, boiled down to their essence. There’s a very bleak worldview in this album. Roger Waters puts for the idea that everyone is either a Pig (taking advantage of others), a Dog (heartless and cruel, willing to do anything to succeed) or a Sheep (mindless, self absorbed, unable or unwilling to look ahead and see that they are being led to the slaughter). It’s a difficult concept to think about, because if there are only those three choices, which designation would you associate yourself with, and moreover, which is the most desirable?

This was a very reaffirming album. My “come on, people now” sensibilities were being torn down everyday by the ignorance and anger I saw dominating the people I knew. I felt very cynical, as though maybe I was wrong, that it was some dark ugliness in my heart, not theirs. Listening to Animals assured me that I was not the only one who felt that way. There were others out there who were outraged at how people treat one another, on an individual level and on a grand scale. In short, this album led me to eventually start thinking about politics and social issues, which both boil down essentially to “how people treat one another.” It was a lot easier to listen to The Wall after that.

Years later, in a university Political Science class, I read Thomas Hobbes describe human life as “nasty, brutish and short,” and I chuckled, because it reminded me of Animals.

Choice cuts- Dogs, Pigs (Three Different Ones), Sheep

Smashing Pumpkins - Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness

In grade 9 music class, we were given a choice: learn to play keyboards, or guitar. I chose the guitar, and fell in love with it. Looking back, even though I’m much better now, it’s hard to believe that I’ve been playing for more than 10 years. I started off with the standards that the teacher gave us. Then, I learned basic power chords through learning Bush and Nirvana songs. Eventually, I was competent enough to be able to play many of my favorite songs, which was a great rush. Later that year, I began writing my own songs.

As I started writing, the process of songwriting started to weigh more and more heavily on my mind. I was fascinated (and still am) by the way different songwriters approach songs, and how different the end result may be from the initial germ of the idea. With that in mind, Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness was my songwriter’s bible. Billy Corgan changes songwriting styles as often as most people change socks on that album. Songs like “Lily” and “Porcelina of the Vast Oceans” could both be love songs, but approach them from completely different angles. There’s sad songs about happiness and happy songs about sadness. Songs about troubling subject matter (”X.Y.U.” seems to deal with rape) can become a huge arena rock sounding anthem.

This was the sensibility that inspired my earliest songs. And to be honest, a lot of them were really shitty. But, then going back to some of those old songs, and reworking them or combining them with new ideas led to some of my very favorite songs. And in retrospect, that’s exactly how Billy Corgan went about it, as in certain live takes from the Siamese Dream tour, you can here snippets here and there of riffs and ideas that would eventually become songs for Mellon Collie.

Choice cuts- Thru The Eyes of Ruby, Where Boys Fear to Tread, Galapogos, Love, Zero

Elevator - Darkness -> Light

By the time I graduated high school, my Pink Floyd inspired political and social consciousness had manifested themselves into a massive case of cynicism. I had little faith in people, and even less in their institutions. And, I just didn’t like most people I met. Because of that, I was very taken aback by a relationship I started in 2002. She was an oasis in a desert of ignorance and idiocy. Since most people are so full of shit and hate, I thought, I had better hold on to this one tight.

The whole relationship could be very well described by Weezer’s “Pink Triangle” song, however. My feelings and desire for the relationship to become something important and permenant made me think/hope that she would be something that she was not. I was blinded by my own feelings, and couldn’t see that this relationship wasn’t what I really wanted, no matter how much I tried to force it. So, when she ended the relationship, it was a great blow and I entered a very dark period. At the time, I remember thinking that there was no point in trying to meet someone new because it would just end in more heartbreak and suffering.

And Elevator’s Rick White is no stranger to heartbreak and suffering. White’s songs are like a diary, and all of his feelings are on display if you can decode his sometimes cryptic language. Nontheless, his breakup with his Eric’s Trip bandmate Julie Doiron led to much of his contributions in that band’s later work, and much of his early work with Elevator (then known as Elevator to Hell). Even though he was married and played in a very kick ass band, Rick always seemed to be struggling with a depression over one issue or another.

Tired of this cycle, for Elevator’s 8th full length album, he started to think about what was sad about his life and what made him happy. He started writing around these ideas, creating a record with a split personality. The first half of the album is incredibly dark, as evil sounding as anything in Elevator’s catalog. The second half takes on a far more positive tone. The second half seems almost grateful; as though they are written to give thanks just for life itself and the experience. The journey is not always pleasant, but we always gain something from the trip.

This album was exactly what I needed at the time. An artist I respected greatly was sharing similar experiences with me. And not just me, everyone. We all go through those moments, and we all feel alone, and we all feel like we should just give up sometimes. But that’s life and all we can do is focus on what we can learn from the negative, to make for better days in the future. And I’d like to think that this revelation has led to much better relationships since.

Choice cuts- Stranded Traveler, The Endless Winter, Full Moon Song, Love, Down Here

Neil Young - On The Beach

I was in a similar situation to Darkness -> Light when I first purchased Neil Young’s On The Beach. And in that time, the massive ending track “Ambulance Blues” was a great comfort for me. But it was only later, as I was starting to put together songs for what I hope will eventually be my first album, that the importance of On The Beach really struck me.

As I looked back upon all the songs I had written (and I have written a shitload of them), it was obvious that certain songs stood out far more for me. Suddenly, it hit me: “My god, am I really this much of a sad bastard?” Nearly all of the songs I had chosen were moody dirges, written about failed relationships. In the post Darkness -> Light era of my life, however, those songs just didn’t carry the same weight for me anymore.

I sat back, and put on On The Beach, and I started to realize what the songs were about. “Revolution Blues” had previously seemed like an angry backlash at the hippie lifestyle, now I realized it was just that, but from Charles Manson’s point of view. “Vampire Blues” had previously seemed silly, now it was a cutting look at the oil industry. “Ambulance Blues,” which I had thought was a cryptic song about a relationship is actually about Richard Nixon and pretension.

These realizations inspired me, and I immediately scrapped more than half of the lyrics I had. I don’t want to make mopey downer music, and much to my surprise, neither did Neil Young. There’s a whole world of things to write about, and there’s already plenty of songs written about break ups. We probably don’t need anymore. On The Beach saved me from being an unintentional emo kid, and started me writing songs about more important issues. And for that more than anything, I will be eternally grateful to Neil Young.

On The Beach is a my favorite album of all time, and to say it has inspired me in good times and bad is a gross understatement.

Choice cuts- Revolution Blues, See The Sky About to Rain, On The Beach, Motion Pictures, Ambulance Blues

There are some people who are good writers and some who benefit from just having interesting subject matter to write about. This is especially important when considering biographies and books that about politicians or musicians or other figures in the public eye. Most of the Jim Morrison/The Doors biographies are pretty good, by virtue of having such interesting subject matter to deal with. But only “Strange Days: My life with and without Jim Morrison” by Patricia Kennealy was actually written by a good writer, in my opinion. Kennealy is Morrison’s wife through a Pagan handfasting ceremony you may remember from The Doors movie by Oliver Stone (she actually played the person performing the ceremony in the movie). Actually, later chapters of her book detail extensively many of the inaccuracies of that movie. Some of the scenes in that movie are way out there, but that’s a rant for another time.

Ralph Steadman benefits from interesting subject matter, and is a pretty good writer in his own right. His book, “The Joke’s Over” is about his experiences working with Hunter S. Thompson. Steadman is a British artist, who’s work has become synonymous with Thompson’s writing. His art displays a twisted eye and a deranged mind, making it the perfect accompaniment to Thompson’s gonzo journalism.

Steadman apes Thompson’s writing style to an extent, but it doesn’t come across forced in anyway. It seems more organic than that, like thinking about his old friend brings it out in his writing. But he’s an artist first and a writer second (in spite of having written quite a few books himself), and makes no excuses for that. In fact, he seems to almost be proud as he tells a story about Thompson belittling and mocking his writing.

Actually, that’s one of the running themes in the book: the abuse Thompson heaped onto Steadman. In a number of places, he simply prints letters Thompson sent him, invariably they start with something like “Have you lost your fucking mind?” or “You illiterate bastard” or “I tried to call you at about 19 fucking numbers, but everywhere I call, they curse your name.” But no matter how fierce the verbal barbs and how ugly it gets, for some reason there’s rarely bitterness in Steadman’s tone. He tells the story of Hunter macing his eyes at the end of their first assignment working together (The Kentucky Derby is Decadent and Depraved) like he’s telling you in a bar, pausing only briefly to swig his beer on occasion.

And I believe that’s because of respect. Steadman respected Thompson’s work as a writer, and though he never says so directly, you get the impression that he was very proud to be working with him. Beyond that, and despite all the verbal abuse, Thompson respected Steadman’s work as well. Again, Steadman never says this explicitly, but both of them knew that there wasn’t anyone else who could conjure up images that suited the brutal tone of Thompson’s words. There was a mutual admiration that lived in spite of a very antagonistic relationship.

The book isn’t just about his relationship with Thompson, but also about the “bad craziness” that the two lived through. From a plot to spray paint “Fuck the Pope” on a multi-million dollar yacht to strange meetings with George Foreman at The Rumble in the Jungle to the Watergate hearings, there’s no shortage of bizarre and surreal moments. The best one so far is a story about Thompson “liberating” elephant tusks he had bought in Africa that had been “impounded” by customs in New York.

I say “so far” because I’m about 3/4 through The Joke’s Over. Generally, I’d avoid doing a review until finishing the book, but in this case we all know how it’s going to end: with Thompson’s suicide. I’ve read enough to know that the stories in the book are hilarious and entertaining and that anyone who enjoys Thompson’s work would enjoy The Joke’s Over. And even if you don’t it’s still interesting to see the Kentucky Derby or the Watergate hearings through the eyes of a British artist, who can’t believe how loud the “Screaming American lifestyle” is.

I give The Joke’s Over 2487 bullets that fell to earth and killed people out of a total 3241 shots drunkenly fired into the night.