Here we are again. As a disclaimer, I don’t think I got through a single full match of TNA this year. I just find it so hard to like anything about that show.

Most improved wrestler- The Miz

Two years ago when he debuted, Mike The Miz was my least favorite part of Smackdown. Slowly, he grew on me, and was a runner up to last year’s most improved wrestler, his tag partner John Morrison. What’s shocking is that Miz has gotten even better in the year since. His ring work is crisp, his mic work is stellar, he gets great heat from the crowd and his psychology is improving with every match. As loathe as I would have been to admit this two years ago, Miz is going to be a big part of the future of the business. He and Morrison alone have validated the entire concept of Tough Enough (the wrestling reality show from a few years back, which both competed on), retroactively.

No cigar- The Brian Kendrick, Cody Rhodes, Matt Hardy

Most improved wrestler (female)- Kelly Kelly

Last years worst lady wrestler is this year’s most improved. Like Trish and Candace (who’s actually fallen back quite a bit since her injury) before her, Kelly Kelly has worked her ass off and improved dramatically in the past 365. Is she great? Not by a long shot, but who knows? Hopefully she can continue her upward momentum and not get stalled by injury like Candace.

No cigar- Michelle McCool

Funniest- Santino Marella

Not much to say here except that the man is gold with a mic. Great character.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vzf3Hkff49I

Best Tag Team- Miz and Morrison

While MNM 2.0 are spectacular as a team this is mostly a reflection of the weakness of tag team wrestling these days. Teams like The Colons, Rhodes/DiBiase and Punk/Kingston were all hit or miss in 2008. The only real competition by a wide margin was TNA’s Beer Money team, who haven’t impressed me as much as some. Hopefully, with the injection of some new teams, Miz and Morrison can continue to bring more prominence to tag team wrestling.

No cigar- Beer Money, Cryme Time

Best Feud- Shawn Michaels vs. Chris Jericho

Was there any doubt? For much of this summer Jericho and Michaels carried Raw and made it watchable. The feud was so well developed, so personal and so intense that it surpassed all expectations. Their feud in 2003 was great. This was awesome. Perhaps the best part was how it flowed. The feud developed organically from the Michaels/Flair/Batista storyline, grew legs of its own, and the momentum eventually landed Jericho the World Heavyweight Title. Then, we were treated to a fantastic swan song to this rivalry with a phenomenal ladder match. A feud that saw Michaels go head first through a TV, his wife get punched in the face and Jericho beaten to a bloody pulp en route to a world title win; the best wrestling on TV this year.

No cigar- Edge vs. Undertaker

Best wrestler (female)- Beth Phoenix

Being a muscular female wrestler, Beth Phoenix draws inevitable comparisons to Chyna. That’s unfortunate, because there’s some huge differences. For one, Beth is 1,000 times the wrestler Chyna ever was. I don’t remember Chyna carrying anyone to any kind of a decent match. Beth has done an admirable job carrying many of the “skinny, model” archetype lady wrestlers. Next, in terms of mic skill and charisma, it’s no comparison. Chyna was always the most effective when she didn’t say shit. Beth, as evidenced by her interactions with Santino, is quite good with a mic. Beth’s closest competition was last year’s winner, Awesome Kong. Kong had a good year too from what I’ve heard, but it wasn’t as impressive as The Glamazon’s.

No cigar- Awesome Kong, Mickie James

Best wrestler (male)- Chris Jericho

Jericho was the frigging man this year. When his return in late 2007 stalled out of the blocks, many felt that maybe he shouldn’t have come back. Perhaps he would not significantly add to his legacy (which was definitely impressive beforehand, including the much lauded title of first ever Undisputed Champion, holding both the WWF and WCW World Titles at the same time). This seemed to be the case as his most impressive accomplishment in the first half of ’08 was another Intercontinental Title reign, impressive in that it was his record eigth reign, but not hugely impressive in terms of prestige. What a difference a heel turn can make. By turning heel and inserting himself in the middle of the Shawn Michaels/Batista feud, Jericho started some of the best work of his career. He shed his “party host” Y2J character and became more mature. More seasoned. And most of all, more bitter. Chris Jericho circa 2008 is an incredibly bitter and resentful man.

And you know what? He’s right. Like all the best villains (The Joker being the exception that proves the rule), Chris Jericho feels he is completely justified in all his actions and is convinced that he’s doing the right thing. The fans are hypocrites for cheering Shawn Michaels when he cheats, but booing Jericho when he calls him on it. Hell, I’ve thought as much for years, all the way back to when Hogan would rake eyes and choke people with his ripped up tank top. When Jericho threw Michaels face first threw a television monitor on his interview segment, it was the right thing to do. When he punched Michaels’ wife, it wasn’t his fault: it was Michaels’ fault for getting her involved in the first place.

The best part though is the matches. After solid outings with JBL and a good showing in the Wrestlemania ladder match, Jericho delivered the best matches of the year. Jericho was on fire. His series with Michaels will go down as some of the best ever. My favorite may have been getting a VERY stiff beating from Michaels at Unforgiven, weaseling his way into the Championship Scramble match later in the night and winning the World Title out from under Batista’s nose. He then went on to defend the title against Michaels in an excellent ladder match, losing a tooth in the process. He traded the title with Batista in particularly good matches (particularly for Batista) before dropping it in a good match with Cena. After a year like that with two title runs and all those good matches, Jericho could have an even better 2009 if he maintains his momentum. I’m picking Orton to win the Royal Rumble this weekend, but Jericho has a pretty good shot too.

No cigar- Randy Orton, Shawn Michaels, Edge

As for the negative side of things, I’ll just throw down a few paragraph. Candace Michelle and Chris “Braden Walker” Harris, based on disappointment alone would be good picks for worst wrestlers of the year. Michelle seemed to be getting better all the time in 2007, she hasn’t been able to get it together since coming back. Weight gain seemed to cause Harris to have terrible matches and an abysmal run in the WWE.

I can’t recall a specific worst match to the year, but there were certainly some stinkers throughout. Worst idea was probably Vince’s “Million $ Mania” which cost him money, made him look silly and old on TV (not the character, mind you, but Vince himself), and it’s only pay off, another hokey death/near death experience, has apparently been left unresolved.

Let’s see how my predictions from last year fared-

-Jeff Hardy will win the world title and will keep the title warm before dropping it back to Orton who will drop it to a returning Cena

I think I should at least get ¾ of point for this one. Hardy did win a world title, and the Cena scenario I laid out did happen, but it was Batista dropping the title to Jericho who lost it to Cena.

-Cena’s “unstoppable good guy” thing will finally get stale enough that he’ll turn into a devious evil bastard

Still waiting on this, though to be fair, time away made Cena seem slightly less stale

-Kennedy will regain his momentum, and will be a world champion by 2009

Kennedy seemed to be doing alright before going out with another injury. Maybe he’ll get things going this year. I like him, but he’s injury prone. If he can stay healthy he’s got a huge upside.

-Ditto for Matt Hardy

Hardy won the ECW World Title at Unforgiven. Swish!

-By mid-year, everyone will be totally sick of Hornswaggle

No, but his presence has been reduced, which was a smart move.

-By mid-year, everyone will be totally sick of handicap matches

As near as I can remember, handicap matches have also been happening less frequently. It’s still overused, but it’s seems more bearable.

-Actually, I’m already sick of handicap matches

If they keep up, I might be in the mood for handicap matches by 2010.

-MVP will win a world title

Wow. Way off. MVP just got his first win in six months. Still, “it’s all part of the plan.” If they can build him back up right (which was the plan, after all) he could find himself in a better position than when he started.

-Tag Team wrestling will, sadly, continue to be neglected.

Not for lack of lack of trying by Miz and Morrison.

-A better wrestling game for the Wii will be released.

Yup, the new Smackdown vs Raw is apparently a huge improvement. I didn’t take any chances though, and got it for the PS2. It’s not without it’s problems, unfortunately, but that’s an article for another day. The less said about the TNA game the better.

-Candice will keep getting better.

Nope.

-Awesome Kong will be…well…awesome.

Seems that way, though she’s out with an injury as well, from what I hear.

-Awesome Kong and the TNA women’s division will be the highlight of the show, while Vince Russo slowly ruins whatever credibility the program may or may not have.

Nope. Again, from what I’ve read, it seems like the women’s division doesn’t seem as sharp as it used to. I’m sure Gail Kim leaving didn’t help that at all either.

-As always, Vince McMahon will weasel out of his trouble with the government and in the coming years, will spin it as himself being a brave, intrepid businessman, standing up to a corrupt government. The DVD should be a hoot.

Vince responded to a congressional hearing with some pretty suspect answers, claiming ignorance about a lot of the problems in the WWE today. Once the heat is off for a while, Vince will got back to talking about being persecuted.

That was 2008. My predictions didn’t exactly have a stunning success rate, so I’ll forgo them for 2009 and instead go with what I hope.

I hope Santino gets good in the ring.

I hope Jericho wins a few more world titles.

I hope Christian has a hell of a run this time.

I hope Regal wins a world title. He deserves it, and he was getting nuclear crowd reactions during his run as King.

I hope the Candace gets better again.

I hope no one “pulls a Benoit.”

[Author’s note: Upon realizing today that yesterday was the one year anniversary of the Chris Benoit double murder-suicide, I immediately felt a twinge of sadness. That was followed by an incredible rush of guilt at having posted such a glowing, wrestling positive article yesterday. So, here’s a reality check.]

The wrestling world was forever changed 366 days ago. Or at least that�s what we thought then. When Chris Benoit�s weekend long psychotic break occurred, taking the lives of his wife and child as well as his own, it seemed like it may have been a death blow to the industry. If Chris Benoit could murder his family, how could anyone look at wrestling the same way again? It seemed like a lot of fans would stop watching, leading the business to its knees. It was oddly poetic: the company that made it through endless sex and drug scandals, wrongful death lawsuits and the Katie Vick angle was going to be, if not brought down, changed forever by a short Canadian wrestler with a gap tooth and a lack of charisma.

That never happened, however. The more things change, the more they stay the same. For all the talk of Senate hearings and all the disillusioned former Benoit fans, the industry continues to chug along; derailment is not a concern.

I touched on this recently in the Birth of Hulkamania article, but the wrestling business is very cyclical. In the late 80�s and early 90�s, the WWF was rocked by charges of steroid distribution against McMahon himself and allegations of homosexual abuse by Vince�s right hand man, Pat Patterson (the exchange of sexual favors for a better position in the company). With the company rocked by this, and their public image tarnished, the WWF just refocused.

To draw people away from the awful sex and drug scandals, Vince positioned the WWF as family entertainment. He outlawed blading (cutting oneself to draw blood in a match), removed any sexual or violent elements in the company and replaced edgy dark characters like Jake �The Snake� with goofy kid-friendly characters like Doink the Clown, Aldo Montoya and the pig farmer, Henry Godwin. By making the WWF fun for the whole family, Vince was able to sweep the ugly spectre of sex and drugs under the proverbial rug.

The same thing is happening now. I haven�t seen anyone blade in months. Characters who looked like they were going to be very edgy have stalled (Paul Burchill and Katie Lea, for example, were reportedly set to play an incestuous set of siblings. That element of their relationship has yet to be explored and probably never will be). Hell, they just recently launched the WWE Kids magazine, perhaps the most telling evidence suggesting a new kid-focused approached.

If you look at this from a historical perspective, this may be a good thing for the industry in the long run. Vince�s kid focused entertainment, combined with the loss of Hulk Hogan allowed WCW to pick up a ton of steam in the mid-90�s, leading to direct competition and the most profitable period in wrestling history.

If history repeats itself, and it probably will, Vince�s kid friendly approach will probably drive off a lot of the coveted male 15-30 demographic. If the stars line up right, this may be the break that TNA needs to gain new fans, achieve financial stability and position themselves as a viable alternative to the WWE. That competition will, in turn, light a fire under Vince�s ass and bring on another glory age of wrestling, looked back on as fondly as The Hogan Era or The Monday Night Wars.

But that�s irrelevant. The business is cyclical, and if it�s not this situation that leads to another golden age, it�ll be something else. It would have happened anyway; a new star would capture the imagination of the casual viewing audience, or another well funded rival like WCW would pop up. But the Benoit family will still be dead, and Chris Benoit�s legacy will still have been tarnished.

I hoped in the months following the tragedy that there would be some good come out of this. Perhaps Benoit could at least cause some more vigorous testing for concussions and some more concern for wrestlers� well being. Those hopes were dashed by one poorly chosen phrase: �consistent with an 80-year old man with dementia.�

Because this was the language that Chris Nowinski�s Sports Legacy Institute chose to use in their report on the findings from their study of Benoit�s brain, it gave Vince an out. The phrase was supposed to emphasize that some parts of Benoit�s brain had similar symptoms, not necessarily that his behavior or the effects on him would be the same. They were simply trying to explain how extensive the damage was. But that phrase allowed Vince an out to say that �an 80-year old man with dementia could never have done the things that Chris Benoit did. He wouldn�t have been able to book a flight or walk to the ring, let alone wrestle. This report is obviously flawed.�

It�s sad that because of this, Vince�s company line has become �Chris Benoit was always a monster.� It�s even sadder that because of this, concern over concussions will not increase in the company: that would be admitting that they�re wrong. Instead, Vince is happy to sweep this under the rug again, and get back to work at selling John Cena shirts and Rey Mysterio replica masks.

I�m awaiting delivery of a book called �Ring of Hell,� which supposedly delves deeply into the atmosphere of the Stampede Wrestling Dungeon, the New Japan Dojos, and gives insight into the insane world that shaped Chris Benoit. While I�ll certainly take a lot of the book with a grain of salt (I�ve heard that many of the writer�s sources are former WWE writers who probably have axes to grind), it makes some interesting points.

One of the more interesting points made that I�ve read on the internet is that Chris Benoit, Eddie Guerrero, Bret Hart and any other wrestler who put on great matches was crazy from the get go. Because if you�re in a business where the matches are scripted and the point is simply to make money, what would possess you to actually put your body on the line? It would be the equivalent of a stuntman actually taking a bullet on a movie set in the name of realism.

And since I read that, it�s been echoing in my head. That�s always been the part of wrestling I really enjoy: the wrestling. Great matches and moments. But what would possess any wrestlers to do that? Hulk Hogan made more money than most people in wrestling by just doing a big boot and a leg drop for 30 years. What would possibly convince someone to nearly kill themselves every night for a fraction of the pay? And what would convince someone like Benoit to, after seeing the toll this took on his mentor The Dynamite Kid (now confined to a wheelchair after years of steroids and putting himself through hell in the ring), continue to wrestle the same way even exceeding the risks his mentor took? These are very similar questions to �what could possess someone to kill their wife and son?� Maybe Vince is right. Maybe he was crazy from the start.

I always used to take comfort, hell I would brag, that one of the reasons Benoit was a great wrestler was because he seemed to truly love it and it didn�t matter how much money he was making. He would be doing it anyway. That dedication was what drove him, and it may have been what ruined him. When I think about this, there’s a great deal of guilt that comes through me. Was I a fan of this man for all the same reasons that made him a murderer? A lot of people have been calling Benoit the O.J. Simpson of wrestling. Thinking about this, it’s probably a lot more accurate to call him the Syd Barrett of wrestling: the reason people loved his work was also the reason for his downfall.

Today, a commemorative article focusing on Benoit’s match work was posted on 411mania. You can see a clear divide in the wrestling fan community in the comments. Half are still Benoit fans. Half simply define him as a murderer who is a black eye on the industry and best forgotten. Those comments bring up weighty questions to be sure. Can a man’s entire life be defined by the actions of a single weekend? Do any of a man’s accomplishment’s matter when he becomes a murderer, a child murderer no less? I have no answers to these questions.

What I can tell you is that a year ago, Chris Benoit became the most well known wrestler in the world for all the wrong reasons. That is as deeply ironic and sad now as it was then. As for me, if someone asks me who my favorite wrestler is, I have to think about it. A year ago, I would have answered Benoit without hesitation. Now, I’m not so sure.

One thing I am sure of, no one has summed this situation up as well as Eric Bischoff, even a year later:

“God bless Nancy and Daniel Benoit. God forgive Chris Benoit.”

[Postscript: This day is one ridiculous downer. R.I.P. George Carlin. He made the world a better place by pointing out a lot of the bullshit we face everyday. Lewis Black, David Cross and so many others owe Carlin a huge debt of gratitude for breaking ground for them. I’ll have a Carlin retrospective in the works if no one else has one up in the next week.]

This is the second fucking time this has happened in the last two weeks. I spend like an hour writing a post, go to publish it, it says “Are you sure you want to edit this post?” I say “Yes.” It says “You are not allowed to edit this post.” So I hit the back button and the post is gone, never to be found again.

Needless to say, I am not about to write all that shit again. Here is the basic idea, you fill in the blanks with your own witty commentary:

I’m sick of hearing about “UFC 81: Breaking Point.” Who the hell is Brock Lesnar and why is he a wrestling superstar if I’ve never heard of him? Why is this match a big deal for pro wrestling if 1) Lesnar already made his UFC debut and destroyed some nobody. 2) This isn’t a title match. 3) Ken Shamrock, “The World’s Most Dangerous Man,” already did the transition from pro wrestling to UFC and back like 10 years ago.

What ever happened to the ECW? I know it is owned by the WWE now, but is it still all low budget and white trashy? That was the best part! Remember The Sandman? He was my favorite, pretending to chug beer, but really just spitting it all over the crowd and then smashing the can on his head.

(Sorry for the blurry, I couldn’t find this any bigger)

Godammit! So, I ordered the Royal Rumble tonight. It was a good time but it left a bad taste in my mouth. We got back a bit late from this strange African supper we had, so we missed the early matches. Here’s what I saw-

One title match was pretty lame with a really good finish to it. The other was a great match, but the ending was retarded and made Jeff Hardy look like a pussy (although that’s still probably better than the drug addict he’s looked like in past years). Also, Chris Jericho bladed (used a razor to make it look like his head had been busted open) like a champ.

The rumble match itself is always a treat. The weird thing with this rumble was how many people were in the ring at the same time. Usually, the rumble will have 5-8 guys in there for most of the event. There’ll be about 10 minutes where the ring fills up and no one gets eliminated, then someone like Kane comes in and tosses 6 people at once. That repeats until the end. This year, they just kept coming. There were times when there were at least 12 to 15 guys in there. It was pretty chaotic as a result, and made for interesting viewing.

The problem was the ending. I was hoping Shawn Michaels would win. I was expecting Triple H to win. I was pissed when John Cena returned 2 1/2 months early from injury and won the damn thing. I know I said Cena was wrestler of the year last week. That doesn’t change the fact that dude is frigging overexposed. I’m totally sick of watching John Cena being booked like a superman. I was thrilled that he was injured cause it would give him a chance to come back fresh after 6 months away. Instead, he’s still stale after 2 months.

This was the problem at the end of the Hogan era too. After a while, fans stopped believing anyone could beat Hogan and when they did, they also stopped caring. Where’s the drama? That’s what I think when Cena wins the Royal Rumble. That’s what I think when Cena beats 5 guys by himself in a handicap match. That’s what I think when Cena defies the odds, logic and medical science to win a match. He puts on good matches, but nothing looks like a challenge to him anymore. He barely broke a sweat tonight!

The only solution to all this that satisfies me is to turn Cena heel. Just have him start bragging incessantly about how great he is. Let all the guys who boo him now feel right about it. Unfortunately, little boys and teenage girls seem to buy way too much Cena merchandise for Vince to let that happen anytime soon.

Overall, I enjoyed the show, but man did that ending leave a bad taste in my mouth. I give this Royal Rumble 664,745 improper uses of the term “literally” (i.e. “He’s literally cleaning his clock!” “He literally took his head off with that one!”) out of a total possible 983,666.

You had to know this was coming.

I’m hoping we can get a few other 2007 in Review articles up here sometime. Weasel, Iride (Iwrite?), lets get some shit together.
For any super-wrestling nerds who might be reading, I don’t watch a whole lot of ROH or other uber-indie feds, outside of the odd match. So keep your Chris Hero love to yourself. Like a referee who doesn’t see the brass knuckles, I can only call what I see.

Most Improved (male) - John Morrison

In the aftermath of the Chris Benoit tragedy, many wrestling fans joked that the worst part was he was replaced with Johnny Nitro. Benoit had been scheduled to face C.M. Punk for the ECW Championship, but when he cancelled, citing a family emergency, Nitro was giving his spot. Worse still, Nitro won the title. It wasn’t that Nitro was untalented, far from it. He simply didn’t seem like he should stand a chance against Punk. A few weeks later, Nitro had changed his name to John Morrison (a ploy to play up the fact that with his hair combed right, he bears a striking resemblance to Jim Morrison of the Doors). To the surprise of everybody, Morrison then started looking like a champion. His matches got better, his interviews got better and he just seemed to really be hitting his stride. After serving a short suspension for the Signature Pharmacy fiasco (and dropping the title to Punk), Morrison has been ruling the Smackdown/ECW tag division with fellow most-improved candidate, The Miz. Plus he has a cool slow motion entrance to boot.

John Morrison vs. C.M. Punk (ECW)
Part 2

No cigar - MVP, Jay Lethal, Jeff Hardy, The Miz, Tomko

Most Improved (female) - Candice Michelle

This time last year, Candice Michelle was just eye-candy. She was known mostly for, well, acting like a skank with big boobs (one storyline had her as Vince’s sex slave). Her matches at this point were abysmal at best. Unsurprising though, as she was a model brought in to look hot, not to wrestle. Then, it slowly happened. Her matches went from “god-awful,” to “bowling-shoe ugly,” to “bless her heart, she’s trying,” to “that was okay,” all the way to where she is now, “holy shit, Candice can hold her own.” And I tip my hat to her. Candice is out of action with a cracked clavacle right now, but if she bounces back and continues to improve, WWE may have found “the next Trish Stratus” (who started off as eye-candy, but eventually became one of the greatest women’s wrestlers of all time).

Candice Michelle vs. Milena (Heat)

No cigar - Michelle McCool, ODB

Funniest of the year - William Regal

While the little Leprechaun seems like the obvious choice, he’s gotten very overexposed in my book. And the tiny Irish bastard’s got nothing on this miserable British bastard. Regal just has natural comedic timing and wit that belies his considerable wrestling talents. This year, Regal became the authority figure on Raw which provided him with endless opportunities to show of his humor, whether it was mispronouncing wrestler’s names (Umanga and Triple Haitch) or being the highlight of random game show parodies, Regal made me laugh myself silly this year.

Regal does his best Simon Cowell impression for “Raw Idol.” His line 2 minutes in is worth the price of admission.

No cigar - Hornswaggle, Jay “Black Machismo” Lethal, Eric Young, Jimmy Wang Yang, Maria

Best Tag Team - The Whirling Redneck Dervish (Lance Cade and Trevor Murdoch)

There’s really not a whole lot of competition for this one. Big name teams like Shawn Michaels/Triple H, the Hardys and Orton/Edge tagged together infrequently this year. Teams like Hass/Benjamin and London/Kendrick had great matches, but were generally made to look like chumps. Most other WWE teams lack either experience or talent (or in some cases, both). As for TNA, their best teams put on good matches, but I haven’t seen enough to name them best of the year. Cade and Murdoch, on the other hand, had a great year and basically were the Tag division in the WWE in 2007. These guys won gold a few years back, but it just didn’t click: they weren’t ready. Now they’re ready. They work incredibly well together, and with any luck will get a good long run.

Lance Cade, Trevor Murdoch and Mr. Kennedy vs. Paul London, Brian Kendrick and Jeff Hardy (No Mercy)
Part 2

No cigar - Tomko/AJ Styles, The Steiner Brothers, John Morrison/The Miz, Jimmy Wang Yang/Shannon Moore, Chris Sabin/Alex Shelley

Match of the Year - Shawn Michaels vs. John Cena (Raw)

After having put on a very good match in the main event of Wrestlemania, Michaels faced the Champ again on Raw. This time, they pulled out all the stops, and wrestled for almost a full hour non-stop before Michaels took Cena’s head off with a superkick and collapsed on top of him for the pin. Two things stand out primarily about this match. 1) For an hour long match, they cut an incredible pace. 2) This is the first time in years that a match has simply ran this long. Usually matches this long are advertised as Iron Man Matches, and are promoted to be a big deal. This one was a complete surprise and as the match kept going, the tension built to a fever pitch. Speaking of fever pitches, the rabid crowd at this London event deserves credit too. They were with them every step of the way.

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4

No cigar - Bryan Danielson vs. Nigel McGuinness (ROH Driven), John Cena vs. Umaga (Last Man Standing match, Royal Rumble), Undertaker vs. Batista (Wrestlemania), Cena vs. Michaels vs. Edge vs. Orton (Backlash), Edge vs. Orton vs. Hardy vs. Hardy vs. Kennedy vs. Punk vs. Booker vs. Finlay (Ladder match, Wrestlemania), Hardys vs. Hass/Benjamin (Ladder Match, One Night Stand), Samoa Joe vs. Christian Cage (Bound for Glory)

Wrestler of the Year (female) - Awesome Kong

I’ll be blunt. Gentlemen, your dick is scared of Awesome Kong. This near-300 lb. black warrior woman scares the mortal shit out of me. After cutting her teeth in Japan for a few years, Kong has begun her takeover of North America. What’s really special about her is a comparison to similar female wrestlers in the past. In the male division, heavier competitors tend to range from fat/less than skilled (Bastion Booger), fat/decently skilled (Yokozuna, King Kong Bundy, Rikishi) and at best, fat/very skilled (Bam Bam Bigelow, Vader, Andre the Giant). With few exceptions, most of the larger lady wrestlers have tended to lean more to the Bastion Booger end of things. Awesome Kong is the first women’s wrestler I’ve seen in years who has the skill to add some real menace to her huge frame. Watching her swat skinny model types around like flies gives me Andre the Giant flashbacks. Awesome Kong may be the first real “attraction” in women’s wrestling (in the Andre the Giant sense, not in terms of attractiveness). I can’t wait to see more from her.

Awesome Kong grinds Christy Hemme into a fine paste. (Unfortunately, I couldn’t find a full match)

No cigar - Mickie James, Beth Phoenix, Gail Kim, Sara Del Ray

Wrestler of the Year (male) - tie - John Cena and Shawn Michaels

I can’t tell who was more impressive this year. First off, for most of the year, these two were feuding with each other and having great matches. That greatly complicates things, as it’s harder to seperate their individual skills from one another. Injuries split them apart for the second half of the year, however, but they still held neck and neck.

Cena made a believer out of a lot of people this year. Before feuding with Michaels, Cena had a fantastic match with Umaga at the Royal Rumble. Then for the next few months, he, Michaels, Edge and Randy Orton all had great matches with one another. Then he got a great match out of the still-green Bobby Lashley and a decent match out of the immoble slug, Great Khali (which is a huge accomplishment in itself). Cena then continued to have great matches with Randy Orton. On October 1st, he tore his pec clean off the bone in a match with Mr. Kennedy. Cena is expected to be out of action until mid-2008 with this injury.

Michaels started off the year with an awesome performance along with the Undertaker at the end of the Royal Rumble match. He was a part of great matches for most of the year, before being put out of action by Randy Orton in May (in storylines, due to a severe concussion, in reality to take time off for much needed knee surgery). Michaels returned in October, shortly after Cena’s injury, and immediately started having excellent matches with now-WWE Champ Orton. Michaels finished off the year having great matches with Mr. Kennedy. These matches should do well in helping Kennedy remove the stigma of the aforementioned Signature Pharmacies scandal.

To be honest, Cena’s year is probably more impressive, simply because I had rarely found anything too impressive about his performances before. His matches seemed too paint-by-numbers, his character annoyed me and I resented him being pushed like he was nigh-invulnerable. In 2007, however, Cena stepped up and had great matches consistently, even managing to carry unweildy lummoxes like Umaga and Khali to watchable, even great matches. Michaels, on the other hand, has been performing at a very high level since 1994. Any wrestling fan knows that Michaels is one of the greats, so for him to be wrestler of the year is not a huge surprise.

John Cena vs. Shawn Michaels vs. Randy Orton vs. Edge (Backlash)
Part 2
Part 3

No cigar - Christian Cage, Kurt Angle, Edge, Randy Orton, Undertaker, Batista

On the flip side -

Worst wrestler of the year (male)- Great Khali (runner up Cody Rhodes)
Worst wrestler of the year (female)- Kelly Kelly (runner up Christy Hemme)
Worst match of the year - “Donald Trump” vs. “Rosie O’Donnell”
Worst tag team of the year - (tie) Voodoo Kin Mafia and Deuce and Domino

Looking towards next year, here’s some predictions.
-Jeff Hardy will win the world title and will keep the title warm before dropping it back to Orton who will drop it to a returning Cena
-Cena’s “unstoppable good guy” thing will finally get stale enough that he’ll turn into a devious evil bastard
-Kennedy will regain his momentum, and will be a world champion by 2009
-Ditto for Matt Hardy
-By mid-year, everyone will be totally sick of Hornswaggle
-By mid-year, everyone will be totally sick of handicap matches
-Actually, I’m already sick of handicap matches
-MVP will win a world title
-Tag Team wrestling will, sadly, continue to be neglected.
-A better wrestling game for the Wii will be released.
-Candice will keep getting better.
-Awesome Kong will be…well…awesome.
-Awesome Kong and the TNA women’s division will be the highlight of the show, while Vince Russo slowly ruins whatever credibility the program may or may not have.
-As always, Vince McMahon will weasel out of his trouble with the government and in the coming years, will spin it as himself being a brave, intrepid businessman, standing up to a corrupt government. The DVD should be a hoot.

Now that we’ve got that out of the way, if anyone else wants to do a year in review awards dealy for another topic (movies, TV, music, whatever) get to it. I don’t watch enough TV, go to enough movies or listen to any new music, so I’ve got no interest in it.

One of my more engrossing gifts this Christmas was a copy of Bret Hart’s autobiography, “Hitman: My Real Life in the Cartoon World of Professional Wrestling.” Despite that title being dangerously close to one of Mick Foley’s books “Foley is Good and the real world is faker than wrestling,” Hart’s book is a large tome detailing his entire life story, from his early days being raised in the Hart house, to the Montreal incident to his career ending concussion, to his stroke, to his recovery and induction in the WWE Hall of Fame.

As a wrestling fan, the book is a fascinating read. For non-wrestling fans, it would no doubt also be interesting to see some of the things that go on backstage and behind the curtain at a ‘rasslin show.� Hart gives us details of conversations with Vince McMahon, Shawn Michaels and others, portraying his impressions of many key points in his career.

Like any good story, there are many villains. At varying times, Hart’s father Stu, his sisters Diana and Ellie, brothers Smith, Bruce and Dean, Vince McMahon, Shawn Michaels, Triple H, Kevin Nash, Hulk Hogan and an asshole Lloyd’s of London Insurance adjuster all fill the role of villain. Hart seems conflicted about his father, however, as he describes being terrified of him as a child, but having nothing but love and respect for him as an adult.

In fact, the entire Hart family, save for brother Owen and mother Helen are made to look like the most dysfunctional clan to ever earn chromosomes. According to Bret, after Owen died, all the Hart siblings made their various power plays to take advantage of the situation, with Bruce trying to get a job with the WWE out of it, and Diana and Ellie trying to get their husbands, the British Bulldog and Jim Neidhart, jobs out of it. As a result of this Owen’s widow Martha gets far less out of her lawsuit than they might have otherwise.� At one point, Ellie tells Bret “I’ve hated your guts your entire life.”

As an side note, Diana wrote her own book about the Harts, but according to Bret it was ghostwritten, and was just filled with ugly, hate-filled criticisms and made up stories, including a wrestling aligator in the basement, which apparently never existed. Her story opens with a story of her husband drugging and sodomizing her and gets uglier after that. Bret thinks she didn’t even read the final version before it was published, and a lot of it was embellished by the ghostwriter. Worst yet, she got Stu to write the forward without even knowing that the book mostly bashed his family.

This is all very interesting, but there are points that more learned wrestling fans may have questions. Hart’s version of the buildup to his Survivor Series match with Shawn Michaels (where the infamous Montreal incident would take place) is suspect. Hart sums up the series of interviews leading up to the match. He claims that he was simply going off the script, while Michaels would be “shooting” (making unscripted, real digs at him). Humorously, in Michaels’ book, he claims the opposite, that he was on script and Hart was “shooting.”

In fact, the comparison between Michaels’ book and Hart’s is really interesting. The two disagree on the facts of many situations. Hart claims that being World Champion went to Yokozuna’s head and made him arrogant. Michaels described Yoko as being humble, and “one of the boys.” Each of them claim that the Harris Brothers (a tough, identical twin tag team) were strongly on their side of the Montreal issue. Bret claims that Owen desperately wanted out of his WWF contract after Montreal, Shawn says Owen was happy where he was, as he was winding down into retirement anyway. And of course, each of them was in the right of the Montreal screwjob.

One thing not really in question is Hart’s depiction of his personal life. Hart admits to regularly having been unfaithful to his wife, Julie, with an almost constant cycle of “ring rats” (the wrestling equivalent of a groupie). Hart describes in painful detail how Julie threatened to leave him on an almost weekly basis for their entire two decade marriage. He admits to steroid and drug use, although he says that women were his main addiction.

Regardless of whether or not that makes you hate Bret Hart, the book is still a fascinating read. The behind the scenes stories are really entertaining, and gives a little insight into why anyone would put on a tiny bathing suit and pretend to fight other giant ment in tiny bathing suits.

I give this book 356,200 ring rats banged by Bret Hart out of a possible 447,243.

Other recommended wrestling biographies:

Have a Nice Day by Mick Foley
Foley is Good by Mick Foley
Walking a Golden Mile by William Regal
Controversy Creates Cash by Eric Bischoff
A Lion’s Tale by Chris Jericho